By Steve K.

“The word shame is derived from the Indo-European ‘skein’, which means to hide. Shame makes us want to hide from ourselves, and our peers – making shame an existentially isolating state of mind. Feeling shame makes a person dejection-based, passive, or helpless, causing the ashamed person to focus more on devaluing or condemning his entire self than upon his behaviour.  He sees himself as fundamentally flawed, feels self-conscious about the visibility of his actions, fears scorn, and thus avoids or hides from others. The shamed individual wants to undo aspects of the self – whereas the guilt-ridden one wishes to undo aspects of his behaviour. It is therefore not surprising that guilt tends to motivate restitution, confession, and apology, whereas shame tends to result in avoidance, denial, or anger.” (1)

Our sense of shame is an evolved constellation of emotions that we develop as social creatures who need to be accepted within a group. We are naturally moral animals, and our sense of shame keeps us in check in relation to what’s socially acceptable.

Distinguishing Guilt from Shame

“The distinction between guilt and shame in moral development is not a trifling matter of purely semantic interest. Guilt arouses emotional discomfort in response to our transgressions against others. By age two, children develop the ability to empathize with the feelings of another and by age three to evaluate their own conduct against objective behavioural standards. As soon as we are able to experience shame and guilt, we instinctively attempt to regulate our emotional state by engaging in spontaneous acts of confession and reparation. It is guilt, therefore, not shame, that discourages us from engaging in wrongdoing.” (2)

A sense of guilt in relation to breaching our moral boundaries is healthy and motivates us to repair relationships we may have damaged through selfish, thoughtless, or dishonest behaviour. A sense of shame is also natural when we transgress social and moral norms, but becomes toxic when distorted by unjust, harsh criticism of one’s character or being. Chronic low self-worth can lead to both passivity and aggression, and a sense of helplessness and lack of accountability for our actions. A healthy apology which takes full responsibility for one’s actions is usually motivated by a sense of guilt. Whereas… an apology for harmful behaviour that is to some degree blamed upon others, or in other ways mitigated (rejection of accountability), is usually motivated by painful feelings of shame that the offender may be unaware of consciously.

Addiction is often characterised by powerful feelings of shame and guilt. As mentioned, reasonable feelings of guilt can motivate the person in recovery from addiction to repair or restore relationships damaged by alcohol and other drug fuelled behaviour. In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Steps 4 – 10 instruct the recovering alcoholic in a moral inventory and amends making process aimed at healing one’s relationships with self and others. Addiction often corrupts and distorts thinking, character, and behaviour. Therefore, a moral inventory and amends process as part of a holistic recovery is wholly appropriate for many.

In contrast, the feelings of shame often associated with addiction (and that frequently underlie it) are damaging to the recovery process if not addressed. This is where a thorough understanding of the principles and practices of AA comes into play. In my experience, the mutual identification and support within 12 Step meetings, the honest self-disclosure practiced within the group setting and one to one with sponsors, the encouragement to self-reflect and take responsibility for one’s actions, and the willingness to reach out and make amends for harms done to others, are all practices that reduce, if not eliminate feelings of shame.

Restorative Justice

These AA practices share common principles with the ‘restorative justice’ process often used within the criminal justice system. Restorative justice practices are aimed at reconciliation and relationship repair between offenders and their victims. This is done through the mutually honest sharing of experiences and feelings of both parties, and the expression of full accountability from the offender and appropriate apology (and agreed restitution for harm done). This process is helped by distinguishing between the person and their actions. All human beings are inherently worthy of respect and compassion, while their actions may well justify condemnation and moral judgement. Likewise, in AA, the alcoholic is deserving of compassion, while their behaviour is often deserving of disapproval. Separating the person from their behaviour is helpful with the development of self-acceptance and motivates behavioural change.

Dead Man Walking

The separation of the offender from the offence is magnificently depicted in the film ‘Dead Man Walking’, staring Susan Sarandon and the actor Sean Penn. In the film, Sarandon’s character Sister Helen Prejean acts as a spiritual adviser to Death Row inmate Matthew Poncelet, played by Penn. Despite his despicable crimes, Sister Prejean offers unwavering love and compassion to the killer Poncelet. This is a miraculous act of spiritual generosity considering that Poncelet shows no remorse for his crimes and denies most of his accountability. Poncelet is full of shame whether he’s fully conscious of this or not. He hides this with anger, arrogance, defensiveness, and denial of his crimes.

Throughout the film Sister Prejean’s genuine compassion for the isolated, unloved, and suffering Poncelet, while at the same time expressing her moral condemnation for his crimes (the acts of rape and murder), slowly breakdown his defences and allow him to fully admit and take responsibility for what he has done to others. He feels loved by Sister Prejean despite his past acts of depravity and this no doubt enables self-reconciliation and acceptance. Poncelet is then able to express remorse towards the parents of his victims in the film scene showing his witnessed execution. The film ends with Sister Prejean offering to help the father of one of Poncelet’s victims with the process of letting go of his feelings of resentment and bitterness.. which is imprisoning him too (Sister Prejean also has great compassion for the victims’ families), and with the possibility of forgiveness. Hopefully, Poncelet’s expression of accountability and remorse may help make this process possible.

In similar ways, the supportive and accepting environment of a peer group within an AA meeting encourages the breakdown of shame and the restoration of self-esteem. It is often said in AA meetings that the group loves you better until you can love yourself. This process in turn helps to create the willingness and courage to be accountable for one’s actions and make amends for harms done to others in addiction.

The support of peers, mutual sharing, and acceptance provided within AA is key to shame reduction and behavioural change in my view. This model should serve as an example for organisations such as the probation service that deal with the management of offenders (many of whom have problems with addiction) and may help facilitate restorative justice mediation with victims. Therapeutic group work with fellow offenders which encourages mutual support, sharing, self-reflection, and accountability for personal actions should be the preferred preparation for mediated meetings between offenders and their victims. This would hopefully reduce feelings of shame within the offender, making them less defensive and subject to denial of their actions, and more willing to take full responsibility for their crimes.

Through the principles, practices, and mutual support offered by AA the alcoholic comes to accept themselves and their alcoholic history, and in so doing, repair their relationship with self and others. They become able to identify themselves with pride (rather than shame) as a recovering alcoholic, who is accountable for his/her actions, mistakes, is flawed, and is yet worthy of respect and love as a unique human being capable of much goodness.

1. Shame by Any Other Name: Lessons for Restorative Justice from the Principles, Traditions and Practices of Alcoholics Anonymous. By Victoria Pynchon.
2. Abid.