Awesomely Shitty

Commie bastard.

It’s a well established fact that President Obama is a Communist. We also know that Communism is inherently evil because it stifles the independent spirit of mankind, and it does not allow for the growth of independent businesses. This is a bad thing, because businesses are people, too. But not the kind that are supposed to pay taxes. Anyway, what I don’t get is why Robin Hood is constantly getting portrayed as a hero. He isn’t a hero at all. He’s a villainous bastard. He’s a dirty, dirty Commie. He steals from the rich and gives to the poor. That’s the same thing as Obama wanting to “spread the wealth around.” If that’s not a Communist plot, then I don’t know what is.

Just take a closer look at Robin Hood. You’ll see a lot of modern day parallels. For example, in the Robin Hood tale, the wealthy lords don’t pay taxes and they exploit the masses. Meanwhile, the poor pay taxes out their ass and have virtually nothing. In real life, the super-rich don’t pay taxes either, and most of the tax payments come from the hard-working lower class. In the Robin Hood tale, Robin steals money from the rich and gives it back to the poor. In a Robin Hood movie/TV show/book, we cheer him on as a hero for doing this. He’s the good guy. But in reality, if a rich person were expected to give up their money to help the poor, well, you’d better fucking forget it. They worked hard for that money! They shouldn’t have to give it to anyone! If the poor people were less lazy and a lot smarter, then they would be rich, too. Demographics like race, sex, education, location, and parental income have nothing to do with it!

Obviously, Obama is not going to run around in the forest in green tights, and rob rich people at arrow-point. Although he should, because that would be hilariously awesome. So, he’s trying to do the next best thing. He expects the rich to pay more taxes in order to help recover the monstrous national debt, and ease the burden on the lower-class, the people who can’t really afford to pay taxes. Well, fuck him. That’s bullshit. You can’t expect everyone in a Democracy to pay the same amount in taxes. THAT’S COMMUNISM! If we all contributed equally, then we are no better than a bunch of monkeys.

In fantasy land, we cheer on Robin Hood as he robs from the rich and gives to the poor. The rich are the bad guys, and the hero is the dude that puts them in their place and helps out the less fortunate. But in real life, if someone tries to take money from the rich and help the poor with it, HE’S A MOTHERFUCKING PINKO COMMIE BASTARD!

What I’m trying to say is that our society is completely fucked up. We tell our children not to bring candy to school unless they bring enough to share with everyone. THAT’S FUCKING COMMUNISM! You should encourage your children to bring candy to school and intentionally not share it. They should also eat it front of those without candy, and steal the lunch money of poor kids while they’re at it. HEY, IF THOSE POOR KIDS WERE SMARTER AND WORKED HARDER THEN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THEIR LUNCH MONEY STOLEN! It’s their own goddamn fault.

It’s not surprising that people don’t have any consistent logic or values. We raise our children to share, to be nice, and to live in an imaginary egalitarian society. Unfortunately, when they grow up and enter the real world, they are expected to do the opposite. Don’t share, don’t be nice, and realize that equality is just a bullshit, meaningless word. We want our kids to treat everyone as equals, but we don’t want our adults to do the same. It’s no wonder the planet is headed on an express elevator straight to Hell.

Suddenly, Communism doesn’t seem so bad.

Certain political parties should preach their values in elementary schools across the country. Presidential candidates should slap children in the face for trying to share their candy. Elected officials should kick children in the gut if they try to help one another with a homework assignment. Political pundits should elbow-drop children on the head if they ever have the audacity to pick someone up who has tripped and fallen down. Don’t be nice to anyone. Don’t help anyone. If you do, YOU’RE A GODDAMN DIRTY COMMIE!

I think Obama should adopt Robin Hood as his new mascot. After all, he wants to redistribute the wealth of those who have the most money and don’t pay taxes to those who have the least money and pay the most taxes. He has a lot of fucking nerve. And just like that horrible outlaw, he is probably going to get away with it. Obama and Robin Hood are both Communists. The sooner people realize that, and ban all Robin Hood-related entertainment, the better. We can’t allow our children to be exposed to Communist propaganda like Robin Hood. They might grow up to treat people as equals, and if they do that, well, they will be dirty commies, too.