The Six D's: Tactics Against Women - Disparage

Anyone can be perceived as a threat to anyone else – man or woman – but the tactics used against women are often specifically targeted at her gender. I call them the six D’s: Dismiss, Disparage, Disconcert, Dissemble, Discriminate, and Dishearten. In the following excerpt from my book, Savvy Women: Gaining Ground at Work, I explore the second D: Disparage.

Disparage: a destructive D

To disparage someone is to regard or represent her as being of little worth. If a woman has become a threat, a very effective tactic can be to discredit her, undervalue her contributions, or question her competence.

I, and several of the women I interviewed, have suffered some form of disparagement – from having our reputations trashed behind our backs, or having our competence questioned outright. This can present challenges, especially if you don’t know what is being said and by whom.

Trashing your reputation behind your back

Even if you find out someone is talking badly about you without your knowledge, it can be very difficult to pinpoint the problem and solve it.

Lynn is an engineer in the government. One of her top managers called her in to his office to discuss a problem.

“Lynn, I heard a couple things about you and want to talk with you about it. People have come to me and said you’re mean.”

“I’m mean? Who said that?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Okay, give me examples.”

“Sure. When you’re sitting in engineering review boards, you never smile. I’m a guy, if I don’t smile they just think I’m a hard-ass. You, they think you’re a bitch. I know it’s a double standard, but can you just start smiling more at meetings?”

Lynn looked at him. “When I’m in a meeting I’m thinking. I’m not going to interrupt my thinking to put a dumb smile on my face to make some insecure person feel better.”

She recognized that he was telling her this to try to help her; even knowing it’s a double standard. But he was very serious. At the next couple meetings, she watched, and noticed some of the women smiling the whole time – though not contributing to the conversation. Lynn told me, “It would really distract me to try to do that.”

Are you kidding me?

Even if the accusation leveled against you is ridiculous it can damage your reputation.

Rosa has also had issues with others talking poorly of her behind her back – especially those whom she had proven wrong or argued with about a legal issue. Egos threatened, they fought back by telling others she was inconsistent. “You never know what Rosa you’re gonna get. The Rosa that’s technically strong, or the Rosa that shoots from the hip.”

According to Rosa, “The difference between being a tax lawyer and being a litigator is that when you are on the tax side, the government gives you very specific instructions. My area of the law develops in the courts. So no, I wasn’t shooting from the hip. I was saying ‘well, that’s a question that is very difficult to answer because the courts are split.

Depending on the jurisdiction you are in, it could go this way, or that way, or somewhere in the middle. If my recollection serves me correctly, I think it’s this but I’m not sure because right now I’m not on your client’s clock because you didn’t say “bill it”. You’re just walking into my office wanting my gut reaction.

So when that asshole goes around saying “you never know which Rosa you’re gonna get” Oh, no, I’m pretty sure that when you walked into my office and I wasn’t asked to bill it, you just wanted my opinion, you are going to get the shoot-from-the-hip Rosa, because I figured that’s what you wanted. Educated because I have written and updated a book on the topic since 1996. Let me explain something to you, I can run rings around you on these issues.” Then the language becomes even more colorful...

Questioning your competence

Sometimes the attacks are even more direct. In Chapter Eleven you will read about Connie’s dentist employer rebuking her in front of a patient, snatching away the instrument and saying “I’ll be the judge of that.” Or later, Connie’s colleague screaming at her, “What the hell do you know? You’re just a woman.”

When Sheila’s manager (Chapter Fifteen) takes away the project she built from scratch, he sent the message that he didn’t believe she was capable of running the program.

Any time someone questions your competence, it hurts. Even if you know you are more than capable, it can instill doubt in yourself and in others. The best recourse is to quickly assess whether the accusation is valid, and push back if it’s not.