“Two heads are better than one. They’re double the pleasure and triple the fun.” So says Power Tool, but I’d like to check those numbers, Professor Tool. Polycephaly, the condition of having two heads at birth, is no laughing matter. First, it isn’t your own mind in both heads, so you can’t even have freedom or privacy on your own. Second, it’s an expression, so I’m reading way too much into it. No, having two heads is not better than having one. It just means that with diverse thinking comes diverse solutions, without which would result in the problem persisting.

I’d like to take a look at characters in media that live with polycephaly, although not actual examples, like Abigail and Brittany Hensel. Also, I’d like to avoid characters that hate being two-headed, since they consider two heads inferior to one, not greater or equal. Finally, only natural births. Being born with polycephaly means the characters grow up used to it, whereas mad scientist experiments only serve as a brief “get along with each other” moral.

In the first book of “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,” Zaphod Beeblebrox, Galactic President and ultimate party boy, goes to a party on Earth.” Arthur comments that he met Zaphod at the party (spatting out “Phil” upon recognizing him), and he didn’t have the second head. This would suggest that Zaphod’s head is unnatural, and should technically break the rules. Maybe.

In the fifth installment, an alternate universe Zaphod crashes the same party, but a costume party instead of a fancy dress party that the TV show portrays, wearing a bird cage over the second head. So that settles that, right? Well, eh. Zaphod has two in the film, but it’s one under the other. I do not like that Zaphod, since he’s portrayed as an idiot. But the “hidden head,” that’s pretty clever.

Wait, there’s more. In “And Another Thing,” Eoin Colfer’s sequel to complete the novel series, the second head turns out to be a reproduction of his own, which is wrong. Almost everything points to Zaphod having polycephaly, not surgery. His great-granddad has two, so naturally it’s a matter of species.

But let’s get down to the heads. On the matter of interaction, the heads are equals and switch off talking, eating, drinking, etc. But in the TV series, a basic conversation goes like this:

Zaphod: “So, Monkey Man, where did you find this old man?”
Horrible Mutation of Special Effects: “What’s up?”
Zaphod: “Nothing, go back to sleep. Anyway, he looks ancient.”

This is due to special effects. Or lack thereof.

People get Zaphod wrong. He’s extremely intelligent, but he’s got narcissism that translates to obliviousness which turns into low intellect which Sam Rockwell puts on the level of “George W. Bush” and Eoin Colfer believes to mean Zaphod is barely functional. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

But it does bring up the question: Do the pair of heads affect his mind? Colfer thought so, as the second head, newly removed and running the ship, claims being on Zaphod made it dumber, and pompously mocks him. In contrast, not mentioned, Zaphod is so smart in the first book that he did surgery on his own minds. If we pretend Colfer’s book is properly canon, did the second head boost his central mind, to the point of self-surgery? Probably goes both ways.

Overall I’d say Zaphod’s second head is worthless to the character, and it’s on record by Douglas Adams that he’s only got two to be “weirder.” Mission accomplished, Mr. Adams.

Next, Pokemon. We’ll be looking at four: Doduo, Zweilous, Girafarig, and Binacle. There are others with three, but that’s not this topic. There’s also Wobbuffet, Slowbro/Slowking, and others I may have missed, but the named unused Pokemon have their own problems with polycephaly. Finally, we’re only going based on the Pokedex entries. The most data is what will really matta. Matter. May-ter? Dex!

Doduo! In the first two generations, the only information we got regarding the heads was “By alternately raising and lowering its two heads, it balances itself to be more stable while running.” Hmm. Not very interesting. Although it is true; at least that part about running with heads ducked. Most of the earliest Dex entries focus on the legs and feet, which is kind of commonplace compared to one of few multi-headed Pokemon.

Then in Generation III, “Doduo’s two heads never sleep at the same time. Its two heads take turns sleeping, so one head can always keep watch for enemies while the other one sleeps.” See, two heads CAN be better than one! Although it’s interesting, since Doduo’s ability, “Early Bird,” wakes it up early from sleep. So not all story and game is segregated!

There’s also “Doduo’s two heads contain completely identical brains. A scientific study reported that on rare occasions, there will be examples of this Pokémon possessing different sets of brains.” I don’t know, what kind of study is that? How can you determine such things? Did they slice open a ton of Doduo heads?

Then it gets really weird. “A two-headed Pokémon that was discovered as a sudden mutation.” Like, for real? Does that mean there were originally Douno? Then where are they? And why is Doduo considered a mutation over any other Pokemon? Finally, the fourth generation tries too hard. “The brains in its two heads appear to communicate emotions to each other with telepathic power.” Okay, but why? And what does it all mean?

“HUNGRY!”
“HUNGRY HUNGRY!”
“HUNGRY LONELY!”
“HUNGRY WHAT ABOUT CASSANDRA HUNGRY?”
“HUNGRY LONELY SHE WENT BACK TO ORRE LONELY LONELY!”

I think overall, Doduo only benefits from polycephaly.

Zweilous! Well known as the “Hostile Pokemon,” Zweilous has pretty much only one topic when discussing it.

“After it has eaten up all the food in its territory, it moves to another area. Its two heads do not get along.”
“Since their two heads do not get along and compete with each other for food, they always eat too much.”
“The two heads do not get along. Whichever head eats more than the other gets to be the leader.”

Yep, nothing but food! Oh yeah, and the fact that the two heads hate one another. I know, I said “no head haters,” but hear me out. I’m wasting your time. The two heads completely despise their condition. But you know where it gets them? Evolved into the three-headed Hydreigon, and the other two heads become brainless hands. It’s symbolic! If you grab and cause strife, all you will receive in the end is misery. Misery as your own hand.

I’m sorry, that’s ridiculous. Let’s move.

Girafarig! This one’s chock full of head information. Unfortunately, it’s all about the Chain Chomp. Still, better than “Doduo runs really fast!”

“Its tail has a small brain of its own. Beware! If you get close, it may react to your scent and bite.” But it has no nose! Maybe it just bites unwarranted. In Ruby, it’s added with “and sounds.” Problem solved, right? Wait, it has no ears. Ruby also says “Approaching this Pokémon from behind can cause the rear head to suddenly lash out and bite.” So it attacks based on smells, sounds, and proximity? Yeah, great study. Everything annoys Chomparig.

“When it is in danger, its tail uses some sort of mysterious powers to drive away the enemy.” Like the fact it’s really creepy? Would work on me. But there’s nothing in-game to attribute these “powers” to.

“Girafarig’s rear head contains a tiny brain that is too small for thinking. However, the rear head doesn’t need to sleep, so it can keep watch over its surroundings 24 hours a day.” WAIT. That’s Doduo! Sheesh, there’s not a lot of material for two-headers, huh? Also, this has been bugging me. I always assumed Girafarig’s front was Normal, and its back Psychic. It’s dumb, right? “A brain too small for thinking,” whatever that means. So how can it be Psychic? Is the front Psychic? But the back has “powers,” so I guess it’s like, one focused hidden skill.

“While it is eating, its tail makes chewing and swallowing motions as if it were also eating.” Okay, that’s cute. It sort of has real-world connections, with conjoined twins (one being undeveloped) chewing and growing hair. Although it worries me if it’s actually chewing. And it is in the back…

Overall, symbiosis at work. Actually, Girafarig only benefits. Nice Chomparig.

Binacle… uh, hey guy. Since it’s from the most recent generation, Binacle is still well-undocumented. Let’s start.

“Two Binacle live together on one rock. When they fight, one of them will move to a different rock.” WHAT? They aren’t one entity? Okay, never mind then! Sheesh, I assumed they were part of the rock, but apparently it’s just The Odd Couple. Yeah, so.

Finally, Sesame Street’s Two-Headed Monster. They aren’t very bright, being one of the few monsters to barely speak coherently. Their sketches tend to fall under “cooperation,” and they often learn new words, with a visual example to follow. Notice a theme I’ve had this whole time. There’s a belief in fiction that two headed characters are less intelligent. Zaphod (from Colfer’s perspective) is smarter or dumber due to his added mind, Zweilous are savage and later mindless, and Chomparig is practically a shriveled head that reacts to any sort of contact, but has strong potential.

Obviously this isn’t true polycephaly, but going based off of these, I can’t help but wonder. Why always a weaker mind, not a weaker bladder, with two mouths contributing? Why an angrier outlook and not sadder, considering the sense of isolation from others? Well, I guess annoyance is more accurate, seeing how you always have someone’s milquetoast breath next to you. So annoyance leads to anger. The sadness is difficult if you live in a world where two heads are fine or rare enough that it’s marketable, i.e. the Hensels or the Sesame Street monster.

As for the bladder, it’s obviously the case, but it’s not interesting or ungross enough for media purposes.

So the two-headed monster, yeah, they’re less bright, but certainly well-functioning. They have memory, they can retain information unlike some actual people. Plus, they’re even cool. They have their own style (hair or beard, that is the question), different interests (one using a pencil in more ways than the other realizes), and, after all, using two heads to be better than one.

Oh yeah. I remembered Zak and Wheezie from Dragon Tales at the last minute. The only thing is this: There’s an episode they separate. They’re working on a playground or something, and they find a way to separate. But after missing out on input from their respective sibling, they decide it’s easier to be stuck to each other than walk five feet to talk to the other. Brilliantest deus ex machina if I ever heard one.