I’m feeling a little down and upset at the moment. I got a call from my GI telling me to up my dose of prednisone to 40mg (That’s 8 pills). Seriously, that was one of the last things that I’ve wanted to hear. Prednisone is a steroid, which has different side effects. The ones that bother me the most is the obvious one, weight gain, sore joints and being irritable. 

When I was hospitalized in November they put me on prednisone (40mg) and was only suppose to be on it for a couple months. The way prednisone works is that you need to taper off of them, usually by 5 mg a week. Once I started tapering off I started getting symptoms again once I hit 15 mg so that’s where I’ve stayed for the past 3-4 months. But, I expected to be able to completely taper off of them and no longer be on prednisone by summer time. So when I got that call saying I needed to start again at being 40mg of prednisone, it just made me angry. 

The reason why my GI wants me to increase my dose is because my hemoglobin was low, and they wanted to make sure my disease was under control, that is the reason to up my dose. 

When my doctor told me I thought I was ok but as soon as I hung up the phone… I just stared at the wall. The thing that kept running through my head was ‘I don’t want to get fat’. I know some of you might think I’m over reacting but gaining weight makes me uncomfortable, especially when it’s out of my hands. Since December, I’ve gained 25 lbs in which the prednisone helped with that.  Mind you, I was very malnourished and underweight and I needed to gain weight to be healthy again. Even though, I’m healthier and look healthy and stronger, I’ve been struggling with my self confidence and my appearance. There was a while where I just didn’t even want to look in the mirror because I didn’t like what I was seeing. I didn’t like how round my face was (yes… I have a round face to begin with BUT prednisone is known for the ‘moon face‘ where your face just blows up and you look like a blow fish),I was breaking out because of meds, my clothes weren’t fitting me (and still don’t). It seems as if no matter how hard I tried to make myself look pretty I just couldn’t feel it within myself. 

I’ve talked to close friends and family about this and they told me that I look fine and that I look healthy now but after gaining 25 lbs it’s taking myself a lot to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve always responded well to prednisone and it has always made my Crohn’s symptoms better but every time I’ve blown up and gained weight fast. I guess I’m sure scared to see how I will look once I’m taking a high dose of prednisone now that I’m at a normal weight. Will I gain 5 lbs? 10 lbs? 15lbs? 

I hate having to complain about what I look like or gaining weight because now a days it seems like today’s society is so wrapped up into the “image” you portray. But, having to deal with an illness is one thing but having to deal with how it changes the way you look or changes your body is something I struggle with. There’s times where I’m so thin, all my clothes are floating and then there’s times where I can’t even button up my favourite pairs of jeans. I almost need 3 different wardrobes, ‘my sickly thin wardrobe’, ‘my normal/feeling good wardrobe’ and then ‘my prednisone wardrobe’.In the end, I suppose really what bothers me the most is what I think others will think about me once I gain weight due to medication. I get comments like “oh, your face looks fuller” or “I can tell you’ve gained weight”. I know those type of comments aren’t meant to hurt me but they do.

I keep reminding myself that in the end this will be worth it because my health comes first. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such a supportive support team. I asked Jason if he would see me any differently from gaining some weight from my medication and he told me ‘Krista you look gorgeous and a couple extra pills isn’t going to change that. I love you no matter what . You’ll look amazing this summer whether you gain 10 pounds or lose 10 pounds. I’ll still love you the same either way so don’t worry about it sweets. We’ll get through it together.’ Seriously, I was in tears hearing those words. 

After writing this post it made me a little silly to think that this has bothered me so much. This is just another obstacle that I will overcome with my Crohn’s Disease. I haven’t let it get in the way of anything yet so why stop now. 

Much love and gratitude,

K 

XX 

💜💜💜💜💜