When I was first diagnosed Autistic, starting this blog shortly after (roughly seven years ago now), I was all for being Openly Autistic whenever possible (for a few reasons).
The first reason I wanted to strongly encourage everyone who felt safe enough to “come out” and be openly Autistic (or any other NeuroType) was for those who cannot hide the differences in how their minds work.
This was partly out of my own fear because, at the time of my diagnosis, my ability to mask (or camouflage) my NeuroDivergence had begun to fail me.
NeuroDivergent Masking (or Camouflaging) is when a NeuroDivergent person consciously (or subconsciously) hides or camouflages their Divergent traits to blend in or appear more NeuroTypical.
*It is important to note that this camouflaging is done in self-defense. Many of us learn to blend in as a survival skill. It is not intended to be manipulative or deceptive.
For most of my life, I camouflaged my NeuroDivergence without even realizing I was doing it.
Bit by bit, I put pieces of myself away, constructing myself to make other people comfortable (regardless of what I needed or how I felt). Anything that drew the wrong kind of attention was tuned down.
Eventually, there were so many “pieces” deemed “unworthy” that the weight of holding them all back became too heavy, and I fell apart, unable to keep carrying the weight and expectations the world had for me.
Deep in burnout (and an accompanying mental and physical health crisis), I struggled to hide my Autistic traits (as I’d been able to do for many years).
I had camouflaged my way into a dark place, and deciding I didn’t have to keep hiding saved my life.
If I hadn’t discovered I was Autistic when I did, causing me to change my direction, I would have become another statistic. I wouldn’t be here to share this story with you today.
When I started this blog, I wasn’t sure if I would ever recover from the state I was in (burnout) or if I’d ever be able to camouflage myself again.
It was because of this fear I wanted the world to be safe for Autistic and other NeuroDivergent People who don’t have the safety that “appearing average” can bring.
I had camouflaged my way into a dark place, and deciding I didn’t have to keep hiding saved my life.
If I hadn’t discovered I was Autistic when I did, causing me to change my direction, I would have become another statistic. I wouldn’t be here to share this story with you today.
When I started this blog, I wasn’t sure if I would ever recover from the state I was in (burnout) or if I’d ever be able to camouflage myself again.
It was because of this fear I wanted the world to be safe for Autistic and other NeuroDivergent People who don’t have the safety that “appearing average” can bring.
It has taken nearly seven years to take my life back from the burnout and mental and physical health collapse I fell into right before my Autism diagnosis.
My camouflaging (and the complex mask I had built to conceal the multiple layers of NeuroDivergence that color my life) had been crucial elements in my collapse. It was also one of the first things that had to go so I could start recovery.
In addition to draining my energy and taking a toll on my mental and physical health, the hiding that I had done from the world had other impacts on my life (that were harder to measure).
I took a bit longer to realize how camouflaging, hiding, and putting parts of myself away (only presenting to the world what I thought people wanted to see) isolated me, leaving me surrounded by people who didn’t know or appreciate the real me.
Because I thought the real me was unworthy of presenting to the world (because they annoyed and inconvenienced others), I kept that person hidden, locked up, and forgotten.
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