In the vast pantheon of demonic possession films, “The Pope’s Exorcist” gives audiences something entirely new: Russell Crowe doing a ludicrous Italian accent.
From the moment we first see hearty Crowe — a candidate for the least-Italian-looking person ever — riding a teensy little Vespa and zooming through Rome wearing a black hat and orange sunglasses, we know we’re in for a howler.
THE POPE'S EXORCIST
Running time: 103 minutes. Rated R (violent content, language, sexual references and some nudity.)
He plays Father Gabriele Amorth, the real-life, late Vatican chief exorcist. But nothing about this supernatural horror movie is remotely factual, save for the main character’s name and job. It’s a stretch even if you’re an ardent believer in evil spirits.
The whole thing is so crazy that it’s funny. For example, the demon here is British for some reason. And Amorth discovers a “Buffy the Vampire”-like hellmouth hidden beneath a crumbling abbey in Castile, Spain. A puddle of water turns into a hot lava gate to the underworld.
And although the real Amorth worked for Popes John Paul II, Benedict XVI and Francis, Franco Nero plays a bearded guy simply called “The Pope.” Pope Anonymous agonizingly writhes in the Vatican hospital as Amorth tries to exercise powerful Spanish spirits hundreds of miles away. Como se dice, “What the hell?”
The priest, whose beard is mysteriously much whiter than his hair, is sent to the abbey by the pope — “Charlie’s Angels” style. The building was recently inherited by Julia (Alex Essoe) after the car-accident-impalement death of her husband. She’s there to fix the place up and sell it to support her two angsty kids, Amy (Laurel Marsden) and Henry (Peter DeSouza-Feighoney, born to play a possessed teen in Europe).
Why was an average, middle-class American woman’s husband bequeathed an ancient Spanish castle? The less you ask, the better “The Pope’s Exorcist” is.
Since moving in, Henry has become apparently overtaken by a dangerous otherworldly force. Having refused to speak for a year, he suddenly sounds like a foul-mouthed Tom Hardy and keeps scratching his face and screaming, “You are all going to die!”
So Amorth and a younger, slightly flirty priest, Father Esquibel (Daniel Zovatto), get to work and say prayers while more and more people growl and are flung around the room.
If you think this is when the film becomes serious, think again! When Henry bites Esquibel’s ear off, Amorth remarks, “I once had a demon try to put a crucifix through my eyeball.”
Then the movie takes on a “Da Vinci Code” vibe, sans smarts. The pair o’ priests discover holy insignia, a centuries-old hidden chamber and make throwaway mentions of the Spanish Inquisition.
Director Julius Avery’s movie isn’t scary — ever — but it is absolutely hilarious. When some of Amroth’s enemies in the church threaten to sideline the exorcist, who answers only to the pope, he hollers back, “If you have a problem with me, you talk to my boss!”
Crowe — knowingly, I think — clowns around from start to finish. Even if the horror doesn’t have you screaming, his Italian accent will.