Dean McDermott Says He Was 'Drinking a Fifth of Tequila Every Night' and ‘Wanted to Die’ Before Treatment for Addiction

Dean McDermott is opening up about his near-lifelong struggle with alcohol, sharing that before his June split from wife Tori Spelling, “I wanted to die.”

“My addiction was untreated,” McDermott, 56, told the Daily Mail, saying that he had been in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous for nearly 30 years — and that his alcohol use soon progressed to cocaine.

McDermott shared that he used to go to AA, then “get some time here and there in AA, and then I’d go out,” presumably where he’d break his sobriety.

It was after he posted about the end of his marriage in June — something he tells Daily Mail he did while intoxicated — that Spelling, 50 got McDermott to agree to go to rehab.

“Through the years, I would just burn everything to the ground. Everything that was good in my life: My career, love, relationships, family. It ended up in isolation,” McDermott, who now lives in a sober house in Woodland Hills with eight others in recovery, told the outlet. 

Spelling, McDermott says, tried to get him help. “She came from just such a place of love and wanting me to be healthy and happy,” he told Daily Mail.

'She put my well-being well ahead of hers. She loved me so much that she didn't really want to tell me how it was affecting her, although I could see it in her face. But again, I was so selfish that it was like, 'Okay, note that, but never mind. Move on.'”

McDermott explained to Daily Mail that by the end of their relationship, the couple weren’t sleeping in the same bed anymore, and their marriage was characterized by “anger and…yelling.”

“It ended up with me drinking a fifth of tequila every night, seven days a week, and a handful of narcos [narcotics] by myself with, you know, a beautiful family in the other room.”

A "fifth" refers to a standard 750-milliliter bottle of alcohol — or approximately 16 shots.

'That's what it led to and that's what led to the brokenness. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t live that life anymore,” McDermott said. ”And finally surrendered to the fact that I need help. I wanted to die. I would wake up every morning going, ‘S—, I woke up again.’ And I’ve got six beautiful kids and a beautiful wife and I was pissed off that I woke up again."

Spelling and McDermott met in 2005 while filming the TV movie Mind Over Murder. They were married to other people — McDermott to Mary Jo Eustace, and Spelling to Charlie Shanian — but their instant connection led to their wedding shortly afterwards in May 2006.

Their first child, Liam, now 16, was born the next year, and four more children would follow: Stella, 15, Hattie, 12, Finn, 11, and Beau, 6.

McDermott is also a dad to his son Jack, 24, from his previous marriage to Mary Jo Eustace.

And now McDermott — who has embarked on a new relationship with an executive at Conscious Community Global, Lily Calo — says he has regrets about how things happened with Spelling.

"All she’s ever done to this day is want me to be happy and healthy,” he said tearfully. “I inflicted a lot of damage and pain on that woman."

“I’m taking accountability for that today and it’s the biggest amends I’m ever going to have to make.”

While Spelling hasn’t yet reacted publicly to McDermott’s interview, a week ago she posted a self-reflective Instagram post, writing, “I believe in always looking forward and keeping your eye on the prize … But, this morning I took a pause for self reflection," she wrote. "It's important to look back once in awhile and remind yourself how far you’ve come and what a badass you truly are. #strength #liveinthemoment 🙋🏼‍♀️"

Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE's free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.