Do you ever have an idea you know is really dumb, but you can’t help going through with it? That’s today’s post. It’s truly awful, but it was something I needed to get out of my brain so I could move on to other things.
This one is for all the botanists out there. Apologies to the rest of you (and to the botanists, honestly.)
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THE STOLON SWARD
by Chris Helzer
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Basil was holding Rose in a tendril embrace when there was a sudden loud knocking on the door.
“Who is that??” asked Rose. “Halophyte know,” said Basil, “I’ll go see.”
Basil walked to the door and opened it. He was shoved backward by a masked figure, who barged into the room.
Rose scrambled up, grabbed a sward and prepared to ramet into the invader, but froze when the masked figure pulled a pistil.
Not wanting to Panicum, the masked figure shouted “Everyone keep culm! Put down that blade and let’s talk.”
“What do you want?” asked Rose.
“Eustoma sward and I want it back!” replied the figure.
Rose bristled with impatiens. “Yeah? Well, I want whorled peas, but that doesn’t mean I can burst into people’s houses and threaten to shoot them!”
“Just give me that sward and I’ll leaf you alone,” said the figure.
“Oh no you don’t,” said Rose. “You get your awn sward. This one was given to me by my Grama.”
From the door, Basil said, “Hay now. Why don’t I Poa drink for each of us and we can talk about it.”
“Fine,” said the figure. “I guess I’d like to ovoid violets, if possible.”
As Basil gathered some glasses, the figure removed their mask.
“Oh, allopatric,” sighed Rose. “I should have guessed it was you.”
“Sorry, Rose,” said Patric. “I probably overreacted. That sward really does look just like mine, though.”
“If you thought she was hiding stolon property,” said Basil, “you could have just Aster.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” said Patric.
Seeing Patric’s head drupe, Rose softened. “Now, now,” she said, “everyone’s a Cinna sometimes. But you’ve gotta be careful with your temper.”
“Yeah,” chimed in Basil. “In decurrent climate, you don’t want to go around brandishing weapons. Someone’s likely to overreact and do something regrettable.”
“Maybe we can help you, Patric. When did first you notice your sward was missing?” asked Rose.
“Well, let’s see,” said Patric. “I guess it was yesterday morning. I went out to help a frond who had Diarrhena. I picked up hirsute from the cleaners and dropped it at her house. When I got back home, the sward was gone.”
“Do you have Anemone who might have taken it?” asked Rose.
“Gosh, not that I know of!” replied Patric.
“Maybe it’s time to call the copse,” suggested Basil.
“Yeah,” said Rose. “They’ll take Carya. My friend Ivy is a detective. You could call her up and tiller what happened.”
“You’re right,” said Patric. “I’ll do that right now.”
As Patric went into the next room to make the call, Rose grabbed Basil and whispered, “Quick, let’s not Dalea round here anymore. We need be gone before he realizes that sward really is his.”
“What??” Basil exclaimed, “You mean that IS his stolon sward?”
“Yes! Now let’s get the evidence out of here so there’s nothing to imbricate us when the copse arrive,” urged Rose.
The two rushed out to Basil’s car and hopped in. Basil gunned the engine and backed quickly out of the driveway.
Looking back at the house, Rose saw Patric staring out the window at them. She turned to Basil and yelled…
“Floret!!”
The Prairie Ecologist 
You do realize, don’t you, that the pun is the lowest form of humerous? Yes, Chris, this is really bad!
Loved this! Thanks for the chuckle!!
Yes, it was terrible-ly clever and a definite read. Written by a genus, no doubt.
So terrible! Truly loved it! 😂
Wow!!!!!
A unique floristic Valentine Card indeed! Superb!!! Chase
Groan!
This was a groanful delight, Chris, though ““Do you have Anemone who might have taken it?” asked Rose.” was a bit of a stretch. 😬 However, puns are always forgivable!
Years ago, when I left a job, my supervisor at the old one wrote me a wonderful going away card with a lengthy message full of puns on ant genus names and terminology. It was brilliant, and the guy was a botanist, yet! Somehow, I lost that little treasure in a move. Very sad, that.
Splendiferously horribly wonderful. Thanks for sharing yet another clever, entertaining and educational post!
Oh, Chrysopsis, not gonna liatris, this gave me a hardy chuckle.
Oh my! Not a botanist but I know enough to find it quite engaging. It is indeed understandable, Chris, why you would need to release that. The dialogue is addictive and could easily overtake one’s mind and drive one’s friends, family and readers mad. And now I feel compelled to read it again.
Curious why the words took on a Scottish brogue in my mind? Anyone else experience this?
Happy Valentines Day all.
Chris, this is amazing! I love it and all the groans it gave me!
The title startled me, but by now I should have remembered your sense of humor. Very, very creative tale. I can’t imagine putting together a mystery story using so many botanical terms. A great Valentine’s Day post — we all LOVE it!
GO SIT IN THE CORNER, CHRIS.
SIT IN THE CORNER…AND JUST THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE CHOICES.
A LITTLE BIT.
YOU WARNED ME, BUT I HAD FAITH IN YOU.
GOTTA PICK UP THE SHATTERED PIECES NOW.
ON VALENTINE’S EVEN…
DAMMIT, CHRIS…
Chris,
Oh, that’s fantastic. You’d do Piers Anthony proud!
Cheers, Dr. Christina Larson
On Mon, Feb 14, 2022 at 8:41 AM The Prairie Ecologist wrote:
> Chris Helzer posted: ” Do you ever have an idea you know is really dumb, > but you can’t help going through with it? That’s today’s post. It’s truly > awful, but it was something I needed to get out of my brain so I could move > on to other things. This one is for all the bot” >
When do you find time to do these?!
Groan!!!’
Clever! Enjoyed it.
OMG that’s hilarious. I suppose you’re going to Trientalis that you made it up??!
Some ideas just have to escape, even if you don’t have all the anthers.
It has clearly been a long winter! 🙂
It’s been a long winter, hasn’t it?
I sent this by air post to my long-gone grandmother and her siblings. They were the most brilliant and passionate punsters I’ve ever been gifted to know. It might be my tinnitus but I swear I hear them laughing and my grandmother throwing down the gauntlet with her “Top that, Blalock!” to my grandfather. They were all the last generations on their respective farms in SW Michigan. Thanks for bringing them into my heart this chilly Valentine morning.
Everyone needs a good laugh! I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time
Thanks, Chris. I’m glad I read and enjoyed this punny post. Happy Valentine’s Day!
A sure cure for Winter Awnwee. Get the point?
Not even a botanist, and I found it hilarious! Thank you!
🤣 That was great!
thanks! I needed a good laugh, but I can see why you needed to get it out of your head! This has the potential to cause problems, I’m catching my brain toying with the idea…
That one put the petal to the metal
I don’t know how long it took you to compose this, but I know how long it would have taken me — and I wouldn’t have done nearly so well. Hilarious, and utterly engaging: well done!
Cabin fever has clearly taken it’s toll. Hilarious!
Hahahaha … good one.
Chris,I found another conversion opportunity!let’s talk > let stalkBeth Markhartpersonal mail account
Aster I read it, I loved it. Thank you for your talent.
Very clever, Chris! I enjoyed it.
As an interpreter, this totally speaks to me! Thank you so much for this.
Sure glad you were able to get that one out of your systematics!
OH MY GOD this is hilarious and the type of humor that is totally up my alley! I’ve been thankful for taking the course Flora of the Great Plains for many reasons, and now I have another one!
Very creative Chris. 😊
Jennifer Pospichal
Elkhorn, NE
That is pretty funny but maybe the pandemic has been going on a little too long? Verla Shaner
On Mon, Feb 14, 2022 at 8:41 AM The Prairie Ecologist wrote:
> Chris Helzer posted: ” Do you ever have an idea you know is really dumb, > but you can’t help going through with it? That’s today’s post. It’s truly > awful, but it was something I needed to get out of my brain so I could move > on to other things. This one is for all the bot” >