Another woman has been assaulted for ignoring a man who catcalled her. Why is this becoming a "thing?"

It's not the first time I've heard of this happening. But, it seems to be happening more often now than it did in the past. Or, maybe we just have more citizen journalists chronicling these things, thanks to the Internet. Either way, I find it highly disturbing. 

And, it's got me pondering the whole catcalling thing.

A Disclaimer--This is NOT an Article to Bash Men

Really. I'm not bashing men here AT ALL. 

I LOVE men. Men are awesome. I have amazing male family members, and incredible male friends. I adore them, and think men are glorious in general. 

I've taken the man's side in many a breakup/custody dispute/alimony argument/tale of cheating, etc. I know men can be treated horribly by women, and I stand up for them if I notice it happening.

I am a heterosexual female of childbearing age. Men are basically my thing. :)

But, not every man is a good guy. Just like not every woman is a good woman. There are bad apples in every bunch. 

Not every man who catcalls a woman is a bad guy, either. Some just do it for fun. I know this. 

This post is about the bad guys, and a question in general for all men.

Why Does the Urge to Catcall Exist in the First Place?

I mean, has any man EVER gotten laid from catcalling a woman? Surely you guys don't expect this to be the outcome of a catcall, right? So, why do you do it?

It's a legitimate question. I'm actually curious. If you've ever catcalled a woman, what was your purpose and/or goal in doing so?

I know most of you who do it mean no harm by it. But, I'm still curious as to WHY you do it? Do you think you're giving the woman a compliment? Or, do you truly hope to get some reciprocal attention out of it, or even a date? If so, what makes you think this is the best way to approach a woman who doesn't know you?

We're wary of strangers, and with good reason.

Catcalling Starts Early for Most Women, and So Do Our Lessons in Dealing With It

Honestly, I've been being catcalled since I was in freaking elementary school. And, I wasn't even an "early bloomer." My boobs didn't come in until well into junior high.

But, even as young children, my girlfriends and I would get catcalled by older boys, usually teenagers, but sometimes grown men. It would happen while we rode our bikes around the neighborhood, played at the park, and, every now and then, even in our own front yards. 

I remember it occurring as early as about third grade. And, it wasn't just me. As I said, my girlfriends got it, too. It happened when we were together, and when we were alone.

I was legit about two years younger than I am in this photo when I first remember beginning to deal with catcalling from older guys.

Our mothers told us to just ignore it. So, we did. We're taught from a young age to not talk to strangers, after all, and no one seems quite so strange to a little girl as a much bigger man whistling at you, or going "Whoo-oooo!" as he drives by you in his car.

And, so, we grew up knowing this was the best technique to use on catcalling....ignore it. Most guys seemed okay with this. We never got harassed for not responding to these men. It was like some game they were playing, only we girls didn't know the rules.

We still don't.

And, something's changed. Now, it seems more men are becoming violent when girls and grown women do what we've been taught to do from childhood and ignore those catcalls.

Why?

Why the Violence, Dudes?

The most recent assault on a woman who ignored a catcaller seems to be a case of a guy being pissed off that a woman ignored him. But, other recent cases have more complex roots. One recent case, where a guy went on a woman-assaulting spree, seems to be based in a frustration with women on the part of the man who did it. Just before the assault, he admitted to a friend he was lonely, and couldn't get a woman to pay any attention to him. 

When the woman he catcalled ignored him, as we are taught from childhood to do, it appears to have just pushed him over the edge. It was one rejection too many.

I feel for him. I honestly do. It must hurt to be that lonely.

However, stable men do NOT beat up women for ignoring their catcalling.

This guy was obviously in need of some psychotherapy, as anyone who would be pushed to violence by something like this is clearly a ticking time bomb of mental issues. And, it's probably not ALL based on his constant rejection by women.

In fact, the consistent female rejection COULD be BECAUSE he has mental issues most women can see a mile away. Most women don't want to get involved with someone who practically has "trouble" written in Sharpie on their forehead.

A recognition of his need for therapy and a willingness to get it could turn things around for him in a big way with women. I'm sure he has nice things to bring to the table in a relationship....most people do. A potential partner just has to see that the worst of the mental health issues have been handled before they will be willing to take the risk of getting involved.

Now, not every woman has "craydar" (my made-up term for "crazy radar"....like it?). That's why you hear of women being in horrible relationships, and not making a move to leave because they're happy to have any man. They are also the women who keep going from one awful relationship to another.

Those women are the exception, rather than the rule. Most of us have excellent craydar.

An Example of the Type of Man Who Would Hurt a Woman for Ignoring a Catcall

My husband has a friend who is good looking, successful, respectful, and charming. Women fall for him all the time, and I can totally see why. But, none of his relationships have ever lasted more than six months, and most of them have ended in a restraining order against him. 

Do you know why?

It's because, of the four lovely qualities of his I listed above, "respectful" and "charming" are illusions he puts on to attract women to him, kind of like a spider to a fly. Once he's got a woman dating him, or, every now and then, married to him (yes, he's been married, but never for more than a few months at a time), he drops the facade. 

He turns into a jealous, controlling monster, who has some seriously severe anger management issues. He begins to verbally abuse them, and that quickly turns into physical abuse. The women leave with all due haste at that point.

He's never had therapy, but he needs it. And any woman who has dated or married him did not have the proper craydar.

I've always liked him. I met him at the same time I met my husband, because they were playing in a band together. He and my husband were both hot, long-haired musicians, and I admittedly am a sucker for a hot, long-haired musician. But, even before I knew him well, I never would have dated him. His vibe just screamed "dangerous" to me. And, that was before I knew he actually was dangerous.

We've socialized with him quite a bit. He's never been anything but respectful and gentlemanly toward me. But, I KNOW if I ever dated him, it would change in an instant. 

I've seen it happen time and again over the past two decades with the women he DOES date. He never changes, and he never keeps a relationship, because he never got the help he needs for his anger management issues.

He is the kind of guy who would assault a woman who ignored his catcalling.

I Don't Think it's Even a Cultural Thing

This actually happens to a lot of women who ignore catcallers.

When I read about assaults on women who ignore catcalling, I sometimes wonder if women in other countries have it worse. You know, places where women are considered less human than men, or are regarded as property. Do they even have the right in their countries to ignore this kind of unwanted attention? Or, is it a "no win" situation for them, because they would get in trouble with their relatives or community leaders if they DID respond?

It might be worse for women in those places, and some men from those places may come here and treat women badly who ignore their catcalls. Those are instances where the cultural views of women are just really different.

But, not every case of violence can be blamed on culture. I don't even think MOST of them can.

I think it's a question of whether a guy feels respected. Most men, I think (or, I'd LIKE to think) don't expect to get any attention out of a catcall. They just do it for fun. If a woman gives them attention back, all the better, and their day is a little brighter, but if the woman ignores them, it's no big deal. They didn't expect her to, anyway, so they just move on to the next one. It's kind of like an amusing game to them.

Once I grew up, I would sometimes give a catcaller a smile, a wave, a laugh, or a thumbs up. I still do. It all depends on whether the individual man, or group of men, doing the catcalling seem treacherous or harmless.

You can usually tell just by glancing at them.

I'm game to play along. Most catcallers are probably nice, regular guys. But, I only play if the situation seems safe, and the "craydar" doesn't go off as I get near them. The potentially dangerous catcallers SHOULD be ignored, like our mothers taught us. They are the type who would follow you down the street if you so much as made eye contact with them after they catcalled you.

Stalkers.

It's usually the stalker type who take it as a sign of disrespect and an affront to their manhood to have a woman ignore their catcall. These are the ones you want to get away from as soon as you can. Maybe, you know, cross the street, duck into a store, or get lost in a crowd of people so he can't see you anymore.

I think perceptions of respect (and what constitutes it), combined with a man's expectations from a catcall have a lot to do with how they respond to being ignored, regardless of culture.

I also think individual catcallers are far more likely to be dangerous than groups of men catcalling. With groups, it usually IS just done for fun. 

A lone wolf is on the hunt. As women, we have to beware. Most of us are in a state of hyper-alertness in these situations. It doesn't always ensure safety, though, as can be seen from these high profile news articles of women being hurt, or even killed, for ignoring a catcall.

Do we want this type of behavior to just be accepted as a social norm, with the burden on the women to ensure their own safety?

Or, do we maybe want to teach our young boys and men that catcalling is not polite, gentlemanly behavior?

Because, honestly, even when we gamely play back, the catcalling still makes most of us just ever so slightly uncomfortable. We may give you a smile if we're feeling safe (and generous), but most of us would prefer you didn't do it at all.

There are better, more civilized ways of getting our attention, if you want it that badly. And, we'll give it to you if you approach us correctly. Catcalling isn't the correct way to go. 

Conclusion--Let's Leave Catcalling in the Jungle, Where it Belongs

I suspect catcalling is some primal thing our primitive ancestors did to get the females to pay attention to them over the other males. It may still go on amongst the monkey community, for all I know. It seems like monkey behavior.

Surely we're evolved enough to know this is no longer the best way to get a woman's attention. If you're looking to hook up with a primate, or a cavewoman, sure. But modern women are not impressed with this behavior. I would hope most men know it.

Let's make the world a little safer for women, at least in the western nations, where they have equal rights to men. Let's teach our sons that catcalling isn't cool, that most women don't like it, and that it is ungentlemanly to make a woman feel uncomfortable that way.

Let's teach them better ways of initiating courtship, or even just a casual hookup, if that's what they want. Let them know most women will routinely ignore a catcall, and to not take it personally.

Above all, let's teach them that violence against women who reject them is never acceptable. Teach them women get rejected, too, and that it's a natural part of dating that they need to accept gracefully.

With time, good manners, mental health therapy if needed, and a little patience, they will find the "one."

If you enjoyed this post, please follow me at @stephmckenzie for more intriguing musings on life, the universe, and everything. Thanks!

Photo credit for thumbnail photo:  DailyMail.co.uk