The Town

Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.

Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.

Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:

“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”

Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:

“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”

Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:

• Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
• Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
• Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
• Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
• Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
• Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
• To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town

McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.