While no one looks forward to attending a funeral, showing up is one of the most thoughtful and meaningful ways to let friends, family, coworkers, or neighbors know you care about them during a difficult time. With that being said, you won't always be able to make it—so when is it okay to miss a memorial service?
Etiquette experts say your decision to attend should primarily depend on your relationship and level of closeness with the deceased and/or their family members. But the general rule of thumb is if you can make it, you should be there—especially if you have a deep respect for the departed.
"If it's a very close friend, even if you have to move Heaven and Earth, you should go," etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas Diane Gottsman told Life Hacker. "People remember the way you handle weddings and funerals specifically. They will always remember who showed up and and who didn't."
Here's another way to look at it: "Two great barometers are the relationship you have with them personally or the reverence you have for the individual," according to etiquette expert Elaine Swann. The memorial for a distant cousin, a friend you lost touch with, a neighbor who's active in the community—they're all worth attending if you have great respect for individual, even if you weren't close.
On the other hand, some argue that you should never skip any funeral you're invited to, so long as your schedule permits and it wouldn't be uncomfortable for the family. "I believe in always going to the funeral," author Dierdre Sullivan wrote in her book This I Believe. "'Always go to the funeral' means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me but the world to the other guy."
But if you simply cannot attend a memorial because you can't take time off work or can't afford to travel, you should at the very least send a card. "Make sure to personalize it and make it special," Diane told Life Hacker. And, if you're nearby, drop off a homemade meal or dish to the family along with your note (cheesy funeral potatoes are always appreciated).
Over the course of a person's life, there are only a few milestones that offer the chance to let our loved ones know we're really there for them—including weddings, funerals, and graduations. "You're never obligated to do anything, and can make any choice you want in your life," according to Daniel Senning, the great-great grandson of etiquette expert Emily Post. "But think of it as an opportunity."
And you should always make the most of an opportunity.
(h/t Life Hacker)
