The State Of Dating In America In 2024: Emotional Cheating Ranks Higher Than Physical Cheating

“The current state of dating in America is trending toward dating yourself first,” says Stacey Diane Arañez Litam, Ph.D., a licensed professional clinical counselor, sexologist and Forbes Health Advisory Board member, adding that more singles are prioritizing their mental health and feeling more empowered to foster the love they desire. In fact, while 64% of individuals claim to be actively dating, nearly 36% of respondents reported to not be actively dating, according to results from Forbes Health/OnePoll survey, which could point to a pattern of focusing on oneself instead of others.

Additionally, with the current dating landscape focused more on feeling empowered to make choices in your own best interest, Rufus Tony Spann, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and Forbes Health Advisory Board member, believes the trend is leaning more toward dating a number of individuals at once, rather than putting all your attention on one potential partner. Data from a 2022 Pew Research Center survey on online dating supports Dr. Spann’s insights—while 44% of respondents reported meeting a long-term partner or spouse was a major motivator to online date, 40% said dating casually and 24% named casual sex as their main focus.^[1]​Niimi R, Goto M. Good conduct makes your face attractive: The effect of personality perception on facial attractiveness judgments. PLoS One. 2023;18(2):e0281758.

With these dating trends in mind, Forbes Health/OnePoll’s survey serves a relatively optimistic outlook on dating—revealing most Americans feel either positive or indifferent to it.

Results of the Forbes Health/OnePoll survey—which polled 5,000 Americans who have actively dated in the last five years—shows that nearly 60% of Americans feel either very or somewhat positive about dating. Some 23% feel indifferent to dating, with just over 13% reporting negative feelings toward it. What’s more, men appear to have more positive sentiments (68%) compared to women (55%).

U.S Daters Prioritize Personality and Appearance Equally

When asked what’s most important when meeting someone for a first date, 50% of Forbes Health/OnePoll respondents claimed both looks and personality were equally important.

Dr. Litam finds these numbers “hardly surprising.” “When given the choice, it makes sense that single people would report valuing physical attraction and personality equally,” she says. “Physical attraction may initially draw us in, but it’s someone’s values, traits and other personality characteristics that tend to predict lasting love.”

Not everyone surveyed prized personality so highly, though: Nearly 13% of respondents were most concerned with looks. Looks were also slightly more important to men, with personality being slightly more important to women.

While these findings prove that looks aren’t everything to everyone, Dr. Litam notes there are drawbacks to focusing too heavily on a person’s appearance.

Focusing too narrowly on physical appearance when dating can lead to an impact on mental health, says Dr. Litam. “Personalities are enduring; physical attributes will change over time,” she explains. “When people solely focus on physical attributes rather than getting to know someone’s personality, it can increase symptoms of anxiety, depression and notions about worthiness.”

“Shared values and beliefs are greater predictors of relationship success compared to other factors such as physical attractiveness,” she adds. “I encourage single people to consider how starting a relationship should feel like ‘teaming up’ rather than ‘settling down.’”

In recent years, dating has turned more digital.

Nearly 45% of survey respondents reported online dating apps to be the place where they met people to date, making it the most popular spot. This is followed by 33% meeting through a friend, nearly 32% at concerts or festivals and almost 27% on social media.

Some of the least reported spots to meet someone to date include bars (almost 20%) and grocery stores (over 9%), with public transport falling last (5%).

Online dating is most popular for age groups 18 to 58. However, other spots are more popular for older individuals. Those ages 59 through 77 report meeting through a friend (41%), as well as meeting at work (37%) as the most common ways they met potential connections. Those 78 and older cited speed dating (58%) to be their most popular form of meeting people.

“Dating apps are a double-edged sword,” says Dr. Litam. “On one hand, they can be the catalyst that connects you with people whom you might not cross paths with otherwise. On the other hand, the gamification of dating apps can create barriers to love, relationships and meaningful connection,” says Dr. Litam.

“Dating apps can perpetuate ‘grass is greener’ mindsets and keep some individuals in unhelpful behavioral cycles,” adds Dr. Litam, noting that some may utilize dating apps as a tool to gain validation. “Every ‘match’ results in a dopamine boost. The gamification of dating apps occurs when single people begin to use dating apps to feel better about themselves rather than for their intended use,” she explains.

“Ultimately, many factors contribute to satisfaction with dating apps, including one’s own psychological and relational motivations,” agrees Olivia Verhulst, a licensed psychotherapist and Forbes Health Advisory Board member. “I would encourage intentionality and boundaries with one’s app use—including time limits,” she adds.

Another result of dating app use is dating app fatigue, according to Verhulst. “I like to encourage folks to narrow in on their relationship to the app,” she explains. “Look inward: Is it starting to feel more anxiety-provoking, triggering to our insecurities or more like a game or slot machine (swiping from one profile to the next) than it does a positive resource in our lives?” If this is the case, Verhulst recommends re-evaluating how you use the app and potentially taking a step back.

Looking at how quickly Americans confess their love when dating someone, the largest percentage of Forbes Health/OnePoll respondents (29.4%) said it should be expressed within the first four to six months of dating. This is followed by 21% pointing to one to three months and 14% saying seven to nine months.

The four to six-month period was most popular amongst all age groups except for those between the ages of 18 and 26, who felt slightly stronger about the one to three-month mark.

However, when it comes to the “right” time to say “I love you,” it’s actually less about society’s expectations and more about our own personal self-awareness, notes Dr. Litam. “The more experienced, self-aware and skilled we are in recognizing our needs, communicating our desires and investing in our relationships, the better we become at partner selection,” she says. “And, the better we are at partner selection, the more quickly we may express ‘I love you.’”

Which State Is the Quickest to Say ‘I Love You’?

The states quickest to express their love for a romantic partner, according to the Forbes Health/OnePoll survey, are Arizona (46%), Massachusetts (43%) and Connecticut (41%). This is based on the states with the highest percentage of people saying “I love you” within the first three months of dating someone.

On the other hand, only 9% of people in Oregon say they would express their love for someone in the first three months. Oregon, Illinois and New Mexico ranked as the slowest states to say “I love you,” with only 13% of Illinois residents and 16% of those in New Mexico uttering those three words during this timeframe.

“I think the best time to say I love you is when it’s true,” says Dr. Spann. “It doesn’t mean that the other person will feel exactly the same; however, it’s best to know that the person you are sharing your feelings with will hold space for you or reciprocate.”

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One definition of cheating, according to Merriam-Webster, is the act of being sexually unfaithful, but is this the case for everyone? The Forbes Health/OnePoll survey results show physical cheating may not be the top concern for many.

Looking at what Americans are most likely to consider as cheating while dating or in a relationship, the largest percentage of survey respondents (42.3%) consider their partner intentionally dreaming about someone else in a romantic way (ex. daydreaming) as cheating. This is followed by nearly 41% stating flirting and 38% considering it cheating if their partner still had an online dating profile. Just 36.3% said if their partner slept with someone once they would consider it to be cheating.

“Emotional cheating, for some, means a deeper connection than sex because of the thoughts, feelings and emotions which are present or built,” says Dr. Spann. When emotional cheating occurs on either side of a relationship, it can leave a partner to ruminate on how this connection formed and what it could mean to those involved, he adds.

Opinions also differ amongst men and women, with women’s top response being still having an online dating profile (43%), followed by flirting (nearly 43%) and intentional romantic dreaming (41%). The top response for men was intentionally dreaming about someone else (44%), with flirting (nearly 38%) and a partner “liking” someone else’s (of the same sexual orientation) selfie on social media falling close behind (34%).

With many differing opinions on what truly constitutes cheating, it’s important to be on the same page with your partner, or any developing romantic connection, in where you stand on big topics. This may include voicing opinions on cheating, such as where you draw the line and what cheating is and isn’t to you, as well as your opinions in other key areas, like communication or the concept of therapy.

Even prior to the start of a relationship, Dr. Litam emphasizes the importance of being open about your mental health and establishing boundaries with potential partners.

What Does Each State Consider as Cheating?

Below is what is considered cheating, categorized by state, according to the Forbes Health/OnePoll survey.

• The states most likely to consider intentional romantic daydreaming as cheating: 66% of people in California and 66% of people in Rhode Island said dreaming about someone in a romantic way, intentionally, was the biggest offense—64% of those in Florida and New York and 62% of those in Georgia said the same.
• The states most likely to consider accidental romantic daydreaming as cheating: 66% of Arizona residents said accidentally dreaming about someone else romantically was the biggest wrongdoing. This is followed by 55% of those in New York and 48% of Washington residents.
• The states most likely to consider one case of sexual intimacy outside the relationship as cheating: 61% of people in New Hampshire and 61% of people in Tennessee, as well as 59% of those in Nebraska, stated their partner sleeping with someone else one time was the top form of cheating.
• The states most likely to consider a partner with an online dating profile to be cheating: A partner having an online dating profile was the top offense for people in Tennessee (61%), Montana and New Jersey (each 54%) and Indiana, at 51%.
• The states most likely to consider a partner flirting with someone else to be cheating: In Michigan, 59% of residents considered their partner flirting with someone else to be a form of cheating. This is followed by 58% of those in Tennessee, as well as 57% of those in both Louisiana and Montana, respectively.
• The states most likely to consider their partner kissing someone else to be cheating: Kissing someone outside the relationship was considered to be a top cheating offense in New Hampshire (57%) and Nebraska (55%), followed by 54% of those in Montana, Tennessee and West Virginia, respectively.

Whether it’s a conversation about cheating, how each partner actually feels in a relationship or what the most important part of one’s relationship really is, it’s important to look inward, realizing what roles we play when it comes to disagreements and issues. Having the mindset that there will always be someone better or easier to date will create challenges and difficulty in dating, says Dr. Litam. “All relationships, including the ones we share with our romantic partners, take work,” she says. “People who embrace this and come together proactively to address emerging issues are more likely to succeed long term.”

It’s easy to see that the way people view dating in the U.S. varies widely, whether it’s about what constitutes cheating, when the right time is to say “I love you” and what’s most important in a potential partner. Experts agree, though, when it comes to looking for love, communication is the king of hearts.

This online survey of 5,000 U.S. adults that have actively dated in the last five years was commissioned by Forbes Health and conducted by market research company OnePoll, in accordance with the Market Research Society’s code of conduct. Data was collected from August 2nd through August 16th of 2023. The margin of error is +/- 3.1 points with 95% confidence. This survey was overseen by the OnePoll research team, which is a member of the Market Research Society (MRS) and has corporate membership with the American Association for Public Opinion Research (AAPOR). If you have any questions, contact pr@forbesadvisor.com.