Devina's Quest for Independence and Stability

Hello everyone,

My name is Devina Devagharan and I am a 20 year-old college student from Texas currently working towards an undergraduate degree in Biology. I have been playing chess since the age of 9 and work as a chess teacher and streamer. I am accomplished at taekwondo and piano, having done both since around the age of 4. I also enjoy other sports such as soccer, swimming and tennis. I love writing poetry, and I am extremely passionate about mental health.

Streaming and teaching chess are my main sources of income. I have been trying to take care of myself and pay my own expenses for quite some time, however, taking care of myself and my expenses recently has become a heavy burden and I have finally decided to share my story and seek out some help.

Growing up, I was the victim of childhood abuse by my parents. The abuse took many forms, both physically and emotionally. I do not wish to relive it by going into too much detail, but to paint a picture: Multiple times a week or sometimes several per day, I was struck with hands and various objects, had textbooks thrown at me, locked in a garage, etc. Verbally, there was screaming, name-calling, and threats of self-harm in addition to the harm done to me along with constant guilt tripping and emotional blackmail. As a child, I grew up believing that if anything bad happened to one of my parents, it would be my fault. I saved up enough to move out and have been cutting ties the last few months, and while I am no longer abused physically, the emotional blackmail still occurs through text.

Since moving out, I have finally been able to see a trauma therapist. I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression as well as heavy signs towards PTSD that I’m currently being evaluated for. Some symptoms of adjustment disorder include significant nervousness, difficulty concentrating, low mood, episodes of tearfulness and feelings of hopelessness. My childhood trauma took its toll and its repercussions impact my life and performance with tasks on a daily basis. I experience extreme mood swings daily, regular panic attacks, triggers over common noises and sounds as well as the general stress that results from all of it. I am still in the process of learning and understanding how my childhood trauma affects my personality and behavior but I can see and feel how it affects me everyday.

Completing higher level academic tasks posed too difficult with everything that I have been going through, so I have decided to take a semester off from college this fall in order to have time to heal mentally and physically and continue working. Though, this summer, achieving independence has not been mentally or financially easy.

While I make enough to support my daily needs, paying all the additional expenses has created a heavy burden. Everything I had up until a few months ago was under my parents. Since then, I have had to pay rent for my previous apartment and now my new one along with moving expenses, a car, obtaining various types of insurance, and monthly bills. I only began consistently working since December as a chess teacher and streaming is my other source of income. I am doing whatever I can to maintain and increase my income but while teaching and streaming can be lucrative at times, it can also be far from predictable. Unfortunately, after all the expenses that have occurred within the last few months, financially it has put a huge dent in my savings of which as a result, does not have much to spare.

With some of these monthly expenses recurring along with thoughts of adding on college tuition next semester onwards, it is a lot of financial stress to have on my shoulders as a 20 year old. My goal is to be able to utilize the semester I am off to focus on actually healing without having to wake up and worry about the financial stressors constantly on my mind.

More than anything else, I would like to be in a position to stop having to worry about survival and be able to take a deep breath and enjoy some degree of stability. If I have a chance to achieve this goal, I think it will be worth it.

Thank you for reading my story, I appreciate your time.