The Dangers of Deference. (And how to guard against them.)

When I lived in Madagascar there was an unconventional pastime that a friend and I indulged in every so often. We would enter a government building, or somewhere else we weren’t supposed to be, simply to see how far we could get, or how long it took, before someone approached us and asked what we were doing. What was the point? There wasn’t one really – we just found it amusing to see how many forbidden places we could go in our typical missionary attire – white shirts, ties and dark trousers – without being questioned.

We got into all sorts of buildings, drew some odd looks and had some interesting conversations. But there was nothing more nefarious about this activity than the fact that we ended up in places that we weren’t authorised to be in. My personal highlight in pushing the boundaries was when I convinced a guard standing outside a Senate building to let me hold his AK-47 and wear his beret in order to pose for a picture. I laughed so hard at his agreeing to my request that my face turned the same colour as his red beret! 

As I’ve reflected on these experiences over the years since, however, something about them has concerned me. Did we only have to dress like missionaries to obtain the tacit approval of officials to enter these otherwise forbidden places? There was no legitimate reason for us to be there; no one even checked if we had a scheduled meeting. Upon reflection, it’s a phenomenon that’s at least as concerning as it is amusing. But it starts to make sense when we consider the persuasive influence of authority.

Our Natural Deference to Authority

Broadly speaking, Madagascar is a religious country; many Malagasy people regard missionaries as authority figures. (Allied to missionaries’ perceived authority are assumptions about their inherent trustworthiness due to the nature of their work.) I believe that our typical deference to authority figures goes some way towards explaining why my friend and I were able to access so many forbidden buildings without being questioned or challenged.

The work of psychologist Robert Cialdini teaches us that you don’t have to be a yes-person to be inappropriately deferential to authority figures. In his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Cialdini gives an account of the Milgram experiment which shows the worrying extent to which regular people can wilfully inflict suffering on others simply on the say-so of an authority figure. A more humorous example of unthinking deference to authority figures is found in the account of a nurse’s administering ear drops to a patient’s backside, having read a doctor’s abbreviated instruction note on the prescription: “place in R ear”.

As amusing as the “rectal earache” example may be, however, it’s inevitable that serious damage can be done to patients through nurses’ unthinking obedience to doctors’ instructions. Cialdini cites a study showing that “95 percent of regular staff nurses complied unhesitatingly with patently improper [and dangerous instructions].”

Cialdini also cites research showing how deferential we can be to those with titles, clothes and cars that act as nothing more than symbols of status or authority. Some research even shows how titles of authority can lead to “height distortions”, making those who hold prestigious titles appear to be taller than they actually are.

The point here is that you don’t have to be a yes-person to be inappropriately deferential to authority figures.

“We rarely agonize… over the pros and cons of authority’s demands. In fact, our obedience frequently takes place in a click, whirr fashion, with little or no conscious deliberation.” – Robert Cialdini

The Damage of Deference 

As illustrated in the examples from Cialdini’s research, inappropriate, unthinking deference negates the intelligence and skill of otherwise capable people. It can render smart people stupid. Without properly functioning checks and balances, the genuine mistakes of well meaning authority figures can damage both individuals and entire organisations. What, then, of the damage that less than well meaning authority figures can do if not properly challenged?

To authority figures who choose to lead through coercion and manipulation, the deference of others toward them can be akin to gripping and moving an opponent in a judo match. The extent to which their subordinates, partners or colleagues are overly, or inappropriately, deferential can determine the level of control that they are able to exert over them.

An example of this is found in my experience with a former boss. He played a slick game of good cop, bad cop – all on his own. His mercurial style was calculated and intentional. He could enter the office in the morning, full of smiles, charm and pleasantries, putting everyone at ease, before ripping into them in one-on-one meetings. He was good in the clinch. He used his charm offensive like a judoka getting a strong grip before moving his opponent into position to set them up for the big one. Once he had you in position, BANG you were on your back wondering how on earth you got there. That man taught me a lot about the dangers of being overly deferential to a boss.

As unpleasant as it was to work for that particular boss, with hindsight I’d say that the experience and the learning that I gained from it was valuable. But others are not so fortunate. When Stanford professor Bob Sutton wrote The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilised Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t, he received 8,000 emails from readers relating to their experiences of working with toxic people. (Sutton now has a dedicated email address to receiving emails of this nature: nomorejerks@gmail.com.) As Sutton’s research shows, many who work in toxic environments suffer physically and mentally as a result of emotional, and sometimes even physical, abuse.

Many perpetrators of the abuse are in positions of authority, which leaves those who are overly deferential toward them in a bad position. I also wonder about the extent to which inappropriate deference to authority allows the perpetrators of abuse to carry on unchecked and unchallenged.

How, then, can we protect ourselves from being inappropriately deferential?

“I teach people how to treat me by what I will allow.” – Stephen R. Covey

Guarding Against Inappropriate Deference

It would be folly to suggest doing away with positions of authority altogether; they will always be necessary components of structures and hierarchies that ensure order and stability. Chaos is neither a superior or desirable alternative. It would also be naive to think that the world will reach a point at which organisational life will be entirely free of bullies and that everyone who leads within organisations will both espouse and live up to the most noble of virtues.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor E. Frankl

With that in mind, then, it behooves us to focus on what we ourselves can do to ensure that we don’t fall into the snares of inappropriate deference toward authority figures.

Here are my recommendations:

1. Get to know yourself as a whole person. Self-knowledge is foundational to achieving personal success and building appropriate, effective relationships with others. “Know thyself”, an aphorism of ancient Greek origin, is oft-cited. It sounds good, but how can we really get to know ourselves? From personal experience, I have found that the following activities have helped me to learn more about myself in relation to my body, mind, heart and spirit:

• Body: Physical exercise and yoga;
• Mind: Reading, studying and writing;
• Heart: Showing love and compassion towards others through actions and words;
• Spirit: Prayer, scripture study and meditation.

It’s only when we develop self-knowledge that we can truly start to respect ourselves. From a position of self-knowledge we can build a strong identity based on who we really are instead of who other people say we’re supposed to be, which will inevitably change with fads and phases. We can also determine our values and commit to live in accordance with them. Through self-knowledge we can discover both our strength and our virtue.

2. Learn to become primarily accountable to yourself and your conscience. When we know who we are, respect ourselves and live according to our values we are well positioned to live a life of accountability. We are ready to follow the dictates of our conscience with respect to what we will and won’t do, and what is and isn’t acceptable to us. Rather than being primarily accountable to seniors in the workplace or in other organisational settings, we will be primarily accountable to ourselves, taking personal responsibility for our behaviour and outcomes.

3. Protect your identity. Once we know ourselves and are primarily accountable to ourselves and our conscience, what room is there to be overly deferential to authority figures? Not a lot. That said, there may be times of distraction and excitement in the midst of career or organisational change, especially where new opportunities and new titles are concerned. In any case, don’t allow yourself or your identity to be defined by others. Don’t anchor your identity to your job title or role. Eschew labels that others try to put on you, particularly those that limit your scope and obscure who you are. You are the master of your identity, so don’t relinquish that personal power to anyone else. Ever.

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#selfawareness #identity #leadership #mentor