Please don't feed the trolls

According to the Norwegian Fairy Tale, Three Billy Goats Gruff, trolls traditionally lived beneath bridges, snacking off innocent travellers who ventured unwittingly across.

However, with the advent of the automobile age, people began crossing bridges more swiftly and trolls became unable to pursue this method without incurring a nasty flesh wound in the process.

Faced with the threat of extinction, they were forced to cast around for other ways to catch their prey.

Being slow and immensely dim-witted, it took them many years to find a solution. In fact, they all but disappeared from the collective consciousness for over 50 years.

But then, a chance invention by a certain Mr. Berners-Lee presented trolls with a whole new slew of potential victims.

From lurking beneath bridges, they emerged, blinking stupidly in the sunlight, and promptly took to lurking in the comments sections beneath social media posts.

As their location changed, so too did their diet. Now, instead of feeding on the flesh of passing victims, they took to feeding on the pain or dismay they caused in others with their bitchy, often downright cruel remarks.

Being inherently cowardly brutes, many of them sheltered behind pseudonyms, no doubt reasoning (well, as much as a creature with a brain the size of a walnut can reason) that a cloak of anonymity gave them carte blanche to say whatever they wished.

Their tactics were simple, yet startlingly effective.

See what everyone else is saying, and then say the opposite.

So, if for example a post proclaimed universal love for Princess Di, the troll would simply say she was a loser and deserved to die.

Once the comment had been lodged, the troll would sit back and wait to feed on the avalanche of outraged responses and orange angry faces that would inevitably rain down into their waiting mouths.

Fast forward 20 years and little has changed. Trolls still revel in upsetting others and feast lavishly on every shocked reaction and tearful sad face their comments glean.

And believe me, they get plenty.

It is, perhaps, a tad unfortunate that these new age troglodytes have discovered the Achilles Heel of our species; namely, that we dwell on any criticism or condemnation and obsess over it.

They exploit this weakness ruthlessly and, in doing so, pretty much guarantee themselves a never-ending supply of victims.

Believe me, I know.

You see, I myself am a troll of sorts, pointing out as I do the foibles and failings of our industry on an almost weekly basis.

But, to my mind at any rate, there is one key difference. My weapon of choice is humour. Theirs, humiliation and misery.

And those are two very different beasties are they not?

 So what useful avoidance strategies have I learnt in my virtual journeys?

1:        if you are going to put yourself out there, you need to develop a skin as thick as a rhino’s ass. Because you are going to be trolled, no matter how witty or truthful you are.

2:        The more successful your post the more likelihood you will be trolled. Trolls gravitate to popular posts like flies to shit. Not much you can do about this, but at least be prepared.

3:        It is important to differentiate between trolls and someone who has a genuine issue with what you say.

A troll will post insulting or derogatory comments with little or no basis in logic and reason. The remark is, if you like, an end in itself, designed merely for shock value and pain.

4:        Like their comment. I do this for fun sometimes just to confound and bewilder the poor simple-minded beasts. What they are looking for is to get a rise out of people. The last thing they want is approbation.

5:        Never, ever engage with them. This is pretty much universally acknowledged to be the only sure-fire way to get rid of a troll. Remember, they feed off misery, outrage and upset. If you don’t provide it, they don’t eat and are forced to go elsewhere for their next meal.

Which is a fairy tale ending for you, if not for the poor sod who gets lumbered with them next.

Jeremy is a writer and creative available for any copy or conceptual work you may have. When not languishing beneath his gloomy bridge, he can be found here at jeremys2211@gmail.com