Setting healthy boundaries is not easy but absolutely necessary

If you are anything like me, you struggle to set boundaries. For me, I think it’s because I was raised to be in service to others; not necessarily due to a love for them but to a cultural normative expectation of my gender and my appropriate role in society. I know, it sounds dreadful but it is true. 

For some of us born in the 70’s and earlier, this was how we were raised. We were heavily gendered and with those 2 genders came very specific expectations. You didn’t even have to be from a specific thought group for this to be true; it was the culture and we can see it everywhere today stamped on our past and continuing to meddle with our future. 

I believe, in 2022, we are watching many polarizing conversations burst at the seams due to these underlying issues. And, bridging the gap has much to do with how gendered our thinking is. I like to call this season the ‘the great gender dig out’. . .we are mired in the binary and are now digging our way out of a deeply entrenched way of thinking and doing work and life together.

For me, this is where the trouble of setting boundaries lies. Other people's expectations of me. Still at the age of 47, as a cis-genered, white female with more letters behine their name than in the alphabet, I deeply care about what you think of me. (Ugh, it even hurts to type that statement due to the level of discomfort I feel in admitting it.) I want not to care. I want to care more about my mental and emotional health than to worry about whether my words land with your expectations of me.

My neuro pathways are hardwired to believe that how you react and feel about me is directly a reflection of my intrinsic value. And, many of the people you live, work and play with feel the very same way even if they cannot articulate it. Project meetings that I attend are littered with these people and it impedes the work at every turn.

I'm convinced that our only way to help each other is to be kind, give space and allow everyone to do their own journey to finding boundaries. Many cannot justify making them at all while others live with so many that they scarcely allow people in. Both ways can be toxic.

Katie Turner, a registered psychologist based in Calgary, AB, is sited in an article as saying, "quite often, the most compassionate, wholehearted people have strong boundaries." and that's what I want to BE! Here's my paraphrased version of what she suggests can be some healthy boundaries:

In my daily work, I need to be vigilant about my boundaries as my roles are example setting. The people I interact with are watching what I do, how I speak and how I follow through to learn and to be led. If I committ to setting healthy boundaries, they have a better chance of doing that too.

In the world of project management, we are boundary setters by trade. Let's remember to transfer those exact same skills into all aspects of our lives. Join me in keeping it simple, practicing these 5 healthy boundaries and seeing if we can't dig out of where so many of us are stuck,

The Feisty PM