October 15, 1964
When the yacht showed up at our island the first time, we thought, Hurray, we’ve been saved! And then out came the cameras. And the microphones. “You’re going to be even more famous than Elvis,” one of the producers told us.
Every night, when they sail back to Kauai, the producers give us some excuse about why they can’t bring us with them, like, “We’re short one life jacket.” I’m as big a proponent of nautical safety as the next guy, but this seems a little extreme.
January 4, 1965
Yet another humiliating incident occurred during a long day of filming. I was talking to the “Professor” (who, by the way, isn’t even a real professor) about whether it’s possible to build a nuclear reactor using only bamboo and coconuts (he says yes), when one of the producers shouted, “Look, a biplane! Maybe it’s here to rescue you!”
I stepped toward the whirring noise, which turned out to be from a fan that the cameraman was holding, and slipped on a banana peel.
I’ve said this before, but that is the absolute last time I’m falling for the banana-peel trick.
March 1, 1965
I think Mrs. Howell might be having an affair with Chad, one of the producers. Chad called her Lovey the other day, which only Mr. Howell calls her, but Mr. Howell was too busy washing his dollar bills to notice. I tried calling her Lovey, too, and she slapped me.
September 16, 1965
The producers are trying to make it seem like the Skipper and I are best friends. I told them that my real best friend, if I had one, wouldn’t be dumb enough to shipwreck a boat during a three-hour tour.
The Skipper grabbed my hat and hit me with it, and then he called me his “little buddy.” I keep telling him not to do this. The fact that I am not as fat or as old as he is does not make me his little buddy.
I’m not here to make friends.
March 23, 1966
Yesterday, the producers dropped off a boatload of coconut-flavored rum. After we drank all of it, Chad told Ginger that Mary Ann gets thousands more letters from fans every week than she does. Then he asked Mr. Howell how he felt about his wife cheating on him. All of the women ended up crying, and Mr. Howell socked the Skipper in the jaw.
May 11, 1966
I think Skipper might be having an affair with Mary Ann. Now he’s calling her his little buddy, and hitting her with his hat.
I asked Mary Ann if she might want to be my little buddy, too, and she slapped me.
July 12, 1966
It seems like the “Professor” might be having an affair with Mr. Howell. Or maybe Ginger? It’s getting harder and harder to keep track. Chad asked me, on camera, how I felt about being the only person on the island who’s not getting any action. I told him that at least I still have my dignity.
August 1, 1966
The “Professor” thinks his raft is finally ready to test in open waters. The producers have been very encouraging, though yesterday they recommended poking small holes in the bottom of the raft, “so it can breathe.”
I’m starting to think they might be trying to keep us on this island.
