Good morning, gorgeous. Oh, my God, I’m so sorry, sir! I’m always a mess when I go out in public before I’ve had my coffee, but that was completely unacceptable. I’ll go stand at the other end of the platform, even though the front of the train is closer to the exit near my office. I’m truly very sorry. Have a lovely day!
Hey, beautiful. No, I wasn’t talking to your dog—I was talking to you. But he’s also very beautiful. Or she? I’m trying to overcome my societal conditioning to gender animals, but it’s so difficult.
Excuse me, you dropped something. My heart. I’m kidding! My friends say that I’m funny, so that was just a little joke. I mean, the part about you dropping my heart was a joke—a very bad one, for which I apologize profusely. You really did drop something, though—a quarter. It’s there on the sidewalk, right next to my dignity. Actually, if you don’t want it, I’ll take the quarter. Thank you!
Damn, boy, you’ve got a big ego. I can tell because you’re wearing boat shoes and strutting around like you own a yacht, which you probably don’t because you’re, what? Like, twenty-five? Although, I suppose you could be one of those boy-genius startup billionaires, in which case, congratulations on capitalizing on society’s crippling dependence on technology! Anyway, I didn’t mean to hold you up—it’s obvious that you’re rushing to a business meeting or some other impressive thing, because you seem important. Or maybe you just think you’re important. It’s so hard to tell with men. Sorry to waste your precious time!
Yeah, boy, get your sweat on! Oh, sorry, of course you’re wearing headphones. I mean, what kind of a psycho runs without headphones? Me, that’s who! I know that it’s weird, but nothing motivates me like the sound of gym equipment. I apologize—I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. It’s just that I haven’t felt so comfortable opening up to a man in ages, probably because you haven’t interrupted me once, which is, quite frankly, miraculous. Oh, you still have your headphones in? Now it makes sense.
Smile, beautiful! I mean, if you feel like smiling. It’s just that I, personally, always have a huge smile on my face when I leave the grocery store. Sorry, I’m being rude, rambling on when your wife is clearly waiting for you to bring those groceries home and make her dinner. Guys who shop for groceries are always taken, which is why I normally look for love in bodegas. What’s that you said? You’re actually single? Um, excuse me—are you hitting on me? Ugh, men!
Boy, you must have a knife, because you just cut straight through to my heart. Oh no, you do have a knife? I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Wow, I’ve got to stop initiating conversations with strange men on the street. It’s so dangerous! Here’s all my money!
