Brit awards 2010: Live!

This year sees the 30th anniversary of the Brit awards at its honourable home of Earls Court in London. The show will feature performances from Lily Allen, Jay-Z and Lady Gaga, while organisers have promised a special version of You Got the Love from Florence and the Machine with Dizzee Rascal (otherwise known as the inevitable Brits mash-up.)

Winners will be announced from 8pm, with Peter Kay playing host and Robbie Williams closing the show by accepting the oustanding achievement award (and no doubt performing the inevitable Brits medley).

17.10 Good evening. The event proper starts at 20.00, I'm still in the office and so, bearing in mind the traffic, expect this sucker to start moving at 19.30. I will be using the 24hr clock all night.

18.57 Well, if it isn't Earl's Court. It's sloshing it down outside and Rufus Hound and a young woman whom I'm afraid I don't recognise are gladhanding celebs doing their best not to look cheesed off by the rain.

I had a problem with my antiquated machine (it's so old some of the keys have their letters written in pen) but that's all over now...

7.01pm: So as guests pass up the red carpet scramble for their seats (our v own Rosie Swash has blagged her way into the hall and should be keeping us updated with gossip - or at least what's she's eating for dinner) time to update you as to what to expect tonight.

Peter Kay is your host. The man who invented garlic bread (as a catchphrase) will be hoping to improve on Horne and Corden's showing last year. This shouldn't be hard.

Performers on the night will include: Lily Allen, Lady Gaga, Jay-Z and Robbie 'lifetime achievement' Williams. Idris Elba will present an award (this will mean nothing to 99% of the country - but what joy for Guardian readers!)

7.08pm: Interesting to note that Lady Gaga's performance is currently listed as 'tba'. There were reports this morning that Gaga was reluctant to perform after the death of Alexander McQueen last week and had told organisers she would only play a set that was suitably sombre (with images of McQueen projected as a backdrop apparently). Looks like this may yet come to pass.

7.22pm: @blindlight119 - hahahahaha! I had gone to the trouble of inventing an award for Annie, so confident was I that she could not possibly be nominated for anything. But, guess what, she is! Because it's the Brits' 30th birthday they're having some special anniversary awards and Eurythmics (alongside Stevie Wonder) are up for Best Brits Performance of 30 years with their 1999 rendition of Angel.

True!

7.30pm: Remember, you can get involved by posting below, emailing me at the address above or tweeting, using #britawards like people are to my right. It's 360degrees of connectivity alright.

Eamonn Mcloughlin emails: "Looking forward to the evening ahead! Please, please relay the finest examples of Peter Kay's northern humour, there's very little of it out here in Nashville Tennessee!"

Will do Eamonn. I also like the idea of northern humour in the deep south. You'd think it wouldn't work, but maybe?

7.36pm: From the twits: @MitchellSt Not sure I can cope with a full evening of "Lady Gaga: What's all that about?" from Kay.

That could prove to be a prescient prediction.

One of the Appleton sisters is interviewing Robbie Williams on the red carpet. Just another reminder that the nineties are long gone.

7.46pm: Paul Laird emails, having apparently discovered a wormhole in the time/space continuum: "I confidently predict that Blur will win best album for "Parklife" and that Oasis will upset John Prescott who, I believe, is sitting with Mick Fleetwood."

15 minutes till we get started. Rufus Hound is being covered in confetti. It's all go.

7.48pm: So I was mentioning the nineties, yeah? I look up at the telly and there's Kasabian's Tom Meighan dressed up as Damien Hirst.

Am beginning to wonder if this wormhole isn't real.

7.57pm: More reports from 1997 via Paul Laird: "did anyone else just notice Jimmy Sommerville having a chinwag with Holly Johnson?"

Rufus Hound is saying goodbye, and according to Rosie Swash, the warm-up man is on. We'll be there in minutes peoples.

7.58pm: On the twits - @JamesRogers79 Sitting down to watch the Brits tonight. Always Rubbish but I always watch it. Here goes

8.00pm: Lily Allen descends onto stage on the back of a black fish - and we're off!

She's doing The Fear, a great tune, and is surrounded by trad British symbols - bowler hatted men, antique prams and, well, parachutists clad in pink.

8.05pm: Lily is in a black basque with fishnets and make-up Divine might find a bit excessive. You know the usual stuff.

She finishes and on marches Peter Kay in an Arctic Monkeys style suit. His first joke - "Welcome to the Brit awards, 20 miinutes of entertainment stretched over two hours" goes fffffffflop. (Did Gervais crack something similar at the Golden Globes?). After a few more gags that the audience choose not to laugh at, he passes over to Sam Fox - "I'd better get this right otherwise you won't let me forget it for another 20 years."

8.07pm: Winner!The Spice Girls claim best performance in 30 years (yes 30) with a medley of Wannabe and Who Do You Think You Are. This means NO AWARD FOR ANNIE LENNOX.

Mel B and Geri come up to collect the award, visions in white.

8.08pm: Andy Serkis comes on to present the Best British Male award. He's doing his Ian Dury impression. No one gets it.

WINNER! DIZZEE RASCAL is best British male. Well deserved in my book, what with three consecutive number ones in the past year and a personality that stands out from his peers. He's smartly tailored and jumping about "Respect to the british people, you dun no!"

8.10pm: For their live performance, JLS have been crucified in the sky. Even Jesus didn't manage that.

8.14pm: A thoroughly serviceable performance of Beat Again, is followed without a bleeding pause, by Fearne Cotton. I did not know she was part of the show. Though I probably should have guessed. She is talking to Dizzee Rascal, who at least has the decency to goon around for the camera.

8.19pm: On the twits - @brokenbottleboy: Oh I forgot, all crap TV shows need Fearne Cotton. She's the Rosetta Stone of total shite. #britawards

Meanwhile, in 1997, Paul Laird:
I have it on very good authority from former Gene frontman, Martin Rossiter, that Kingmaker will be performing the Brits medley with Echobelly tonight.

8.20pm: 8.20pm: Kay and Mel B enjoy a bit of northern banter - "She's Yorkshire's answer to Beyonce" (that one's for Eamonn Mcloughlin)

Mel B's on to announce Best International Male...

WINNER Jay Z! He salutes the camera upon hearing the news and looks actually happy. He reminisces on his Glast-ON-berry experience and thanks the Spice Girls 'for inspiring me'. Arf.

Two black males winning the individual categories, don't imagine that's happened before...

8.24pm: From the twits: marielalaa RT @horrorrrrr: I LOVE YOU JAY Z HAVE MY BABIES #britawards

8.29pm: Winner! Oasis take Brits album of 30 years for (What's the Story) Morning Glory. Yes, that's officially the best album in 30 years (it even beat Duffy)

Liam swaggers on stage like it's 1997 (hang on!) and proceeds to thank not his brother but the "best fans in the fucking world" he swaggers off to embrace the fans and by the time he's come back Peter Kay's called him a "nobhead"

8.31pm: The new Oasis, that'll be Kasabian, take to the stage to play Fire. It's full of energy but perhaps could have done without the addition of a weedy brass section. They set fire to the floor though, so that's nice.

Liam update: he gave his award to the fans! Now THAT'S a man of the people.

8.34pm: From the emails: Susan Smillie - "The person responsible for the pyrotechnics on stage at the brits toneet is the nephew of Henry Cooper, he's called Alex Cooper (he works with my partner). I don't know that he's done these Kasabian ones mind you. (is it usually this boring? I don't normally watch it)"

Yes Susan, yes it is. but hang on, drama! They've lost Liam's mic! There's a huge public appeal for its recovery! It's like when they nicked The Scream! Oh, the mic's been found again. As you were.

8.38pm: Jimmee posts in the comments: "What time's Cheryl on? It's just that I want to send some pictures of, er, my friend to, erm, a friend and I don't want to miss her call.." Jimmee, I reckon you've got about 15.

Bloody hell Geri's back. They're really getting the most from their TWO Spice Girls

8.40pm: WINNER! JLS win best breakthrough act. Aston has undone another button on his shirt to celebrate. In fact, he sewed one on, just so he could undo it.

The band were up against Florence and co (Florence having one last year's highly different Critic's Choice award) so it's a triumph for real pop! Or something

8.42pm: From the emails: Jo-Anne Lowe: "Paul. Peter Kay is brilliant - stop slagging him off you git! Jo"

I crave your forgiveness Jo-Anne. Believe me I like him. And his running joke of *name of band's home town* answer to *rubbish pop act* might have unstoppable momentum by the end...

8.43pm: GAGA TIME! She's announced as "New York's answer to Su Pollard" but there's no frivolity as she plays a version of Telephone at the grand piano. She dedicates the song to Alexander McQueen and is dressed in a perverted dress that could be one of his creations. She delivers the song beautifully and then ramps it up, switching into Dance in the Dark and going crazy vogueing.

People will have to go some to beat that, though Geri, on again, would rather she'd played something that people recognise.

8.50pm: In all the Gaga excitement I forgot to mention that Courtney Love had been on to give the afore-mentioned Critics Choice award to Ellie Goulding. There was no craziness to report whatsoever though, unless you count the granny grey streaks (all the rage darling) in Goulding's hair.

From the emails: Edward Megginson - "Ellie Goulding looks like Cascada. That is all. Ed. xxx"

8.51pm: There are now too many tweets. I cannot keep up. That is Gaga for you.

8.53pm: Kay has said Garlic Bread. He gave it as an exclusive to the audience during the ad break. So cruel.

8.54pm: Paul Laird has returned to the here and now: "Music is finished. Nothing will ever top this performance by Lady GaGa...and I don't even like her."

Meanwhile, Stringer is on and making jokes about Ashley Cole. Good man

8.55pm: WINNER! Kasabian ARE the best British group. Serge stands up and wags his index finger in the air like he's Ryan Giggs celebrating a goal (Giggs is the only player I can think of who's skinny enough to resemble Serge).

Tom is wearing a red velvet coat like an 18th c dandy and asks the crowd if they liked his fiery floor. They do. I think I hear Tom say that the band have been together since 1997. That year, will we ever escape that year?

9.00pm: WINNER! It's GAGA for best international newcomer!

Gaga: "Hello. Thank you so so much. I love my fans. My fans in the Uk thank you. Thank y so much to my manager Troy and to Vincent and Lucia and Ferdy and Karen and Jo. I can't tell you how much this means to me. You are the most wonderful fans in the world. Thank you so much for believing in me. Thank you to Lee McQueen."

Kay: "Thank you to Lady Gaga who came on motorbike."

9.06pm: Dizzee and Florence perform their medley - you've got the love mixed with dirtee cash - and I reckon it's pretty good. Florence belts it, as you might expect, and Dizzee keeps his flow on point throughout. The melodies don't necessarily match, but outside the Kylie classic that started the Brits mash up craze, they rarely do.

It is followed by a charity message. Delivered by Prince Harry. He cracks not one but two lame jokes and comes across as a dunderhead. NEXT!

9.08pm: From the emails, Naomi Attwood: Paul - there's a rumour going round Cheryl is going to sing Dolly P's Stand by Your Man instead of that Kelis song . . .
pls confirm?"

I have heard nothing on that I'm afraid, but am asking around...

9.09pm: Ha ha Jonathan Ross has come on as a rapper. He has a bowler hat. He claims to have been pimped by Dizzee Rascal.

He's here to announce international female artist and it goes to...

WINNER! GAGA! The only person dressed more outlandishly than Ross and he foolishly hugs her like an adolescent.

It seems that the outfit might be a McQueen/Philip Treacy combo, fash fans...

9.14pm: WINNER! Lily Allen claims Best British Female and, to celebrate, has put on a ginger wig. I do that every morning love!

9.16pm: Peter Kay tries to get Lily off the stage with Jonathan Ross's klaxon. She tells him to fuck off.

I've asked Rosie Swash about the Stand By Your... rumours. She says it's more likely to be D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Jason Z and Alicia Keys come on. The Jason is Kay's appelation and he cracks a couple more gags about the inappropriateness of Jigga's music for the school run. I guess Kay is not here to appeal to the music fans.

9.22pm: Pretty good. Pretty pretty good.

But then, what do I know. I like Jonathan Ross!

9.25pm: From the twits: @VonPip Dear god Jonathan Ross is 2010's Richard Madley as Ali G #britawards

Yes, and that is a good thing

9.26pm: On the emails: Wendy K - Do I need to adjust the colour on my telly, or has Fearne Cotton been eating strawberry jam off a wooden spoon?

I don't have a clue what this means, but I still think it's correct.

From the comments: English hermit Could someone please explain what all this is about and why there is no Hawkwind?

There is no Hawkwind, because this is 1997 and Hawkwind have had a fallow year.

9.29pm: WINNER! It's GAGA again. She's got Best International Album for The Fame and it's only right and proper that she gets to collect her gong from Mika.

Gaga: "This award means even more to me because I worked so hard on this album for so long and I think about all the songs that I wrote and all the years that went by and all the rejection and how my fans were the first people to believe in me."

Kay: "Gaga has now won every international award apart from best male. And that was a close call."

9.33pm: Cheryl Cole time and I have to confess I passed into a reverie.

By the time I snapped out, it appeared that Cheryl's medley might just have been a little underwhelming. Outfits and routines from Kylie and Janet, music from Robyn S and singing that seemed a little well, automated.

9.38pm: WINNER! JLS! Beat Again is best British single (as voted for by uk commercial radio listeners). They thank Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh. In that order.

9.40pm: Tom Ford takes to the stage. Unlikely. Must have a movie out. He compliments Gaga's dressing. I am so glad this is Gaga's night. It is THIS much better than it being Duffy's night. Which, unbelievably, it was this time last year.

WINNER! Florence and the Machine's Lungs is best British album. The Welch warbler does it and I believe that's all the bases covered: Bitta street cred with Dizzee, NME fodder with Kasabian, bitta Brit pop with JLS and prizes for the new wave of British female performers (Lily, Florence).

Florence looks drawn but still has the energy to thank everyone from her producers to her PRs.

9.47pm: Do I have to stay for the Robbie medley?

9.53pm: She didn't hashtag this, but I've still nicked it from the Twits: @gracedent robbie. just one TV performance without a fuck up. JUST ONE. you can do it.

I was watching and I think he goofed the words in the second verse of Let Me Entertain You.

Soz.

9.58pm: Five minutes in, and I don't recognise the songs any more

He's enjoying himself, though he's not really giving a great performance. He can't hit the notes, is out of breath a lot and is laying on too much schtick. It is about THIS much worse than last year's Pet Shop Boys medley.

10.01pm: There's your Angels. The crowd gets to sing the most of it. And that's all.

Oddly subdued night, I felt. Can't put a finger on it, though there were obvious extenuating personal circumstances in the case of the two most anticipated acts (Gaga and Cole). Performances were ok, awards evenly spread, but it was low on star-wattage and, really, short on good tunes. It says something when the biggest hit of the night is a bitch button.

Thanks for all your correspondence in its various and manifold forms. Night night!