Voice of Courage: Airman shares personal story as rape survivor

  • Published
  • By Karen Abeyasekere
  • 100th Air Refueling Wing Public Affairs
RAF MILDENHALL, England --  Editor's note: All the names in this story are fictitious. The subject chose the name "Merida" because of the character from "Brave." There is no federal endorsement of Disney or its trademark. The alleged offender is no longer serving in the U.S. Air Force.

"Merida," an Airman 1st Class who just arrived at RAF Mildenhall, England, was subjected to an incident which changed her life. What you are about to read may make you uncomfortable. Although this story tells of a horrible situation, it's also a story about finding the courage to survive and move on.

Away from home for the first time, at her first base and in a new country, Merida's life was irrevocably altered. But thanks to having good friends and leadership around her, Merida has emerged as a stronger person with an unbelievably positive attitude.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. As a victim of sexual assault, Merida has found the courage to share her story in the hope of preventing others from suffering through her same ordeal.

Below is an account of what happened, as seen through her eyes.

"I had a great friend - her name was 'Jane' - and we always hung out all the time. We and one of my other great friends who I worked with, 'Bill,' all went to a club one night," she said.

Don't judge a book by its cover

That evening, Merida said she saw a guy, "John," who she barely knew, but he often flirted back and forth with her.

"I thought he was just adorable," she said. "When we were in the club, he started to try and dance with me and wouldn't leave me alone. He kept trying to buy me drinks and get close to me. But I don't like to dance, so I pushed him away. It was a flirty push, but he kept coming back and suddenly it got to the point where he started getting aggressive and kept trying to grab me."

Her friend Jane then stepped in, telling John to back off and calm down. After a while, John started ignoring Merida, but then he began calling her insulting names.

Merida said Jane liked one of John's friends, "Bob," who happened to be making-out with another girl. Jane saw this and started crying hysterically.

"She'd been drinking, but I took her outside, and told her it was okay and (Bob) was a (dirt bag)," she said.

Jekyll and Hyde

John then came outside and started screaming at Merida, saying he couldn't stand her. She told him to calm down and explained she hadn't even been talking about him.

He then suddenly changed tack and started apologizing and tried to give her a hug.

"I pushed him away, but it was still flirty," she said. "I still thought he was cute, but a little aggressive. I was nervous and taken aback by him - that should have been my first warning sign."

Afterward, John walked away and Bill came to check on Merida, telling her not to worry about John, and that he just wasn't very nice.

"I started talking to Jane about the guy she was crying about when all of a sudden, John turned around, started freaking out and got all up in my face!" Merida said. "Bill immediately told him (in no uncertain terms) to calm down."

John then suddenly started apologizing again and offered to pay for a cab home; the Airmen all lived in dorms at RAF Mildenhall.

"He then asked me where I was going to be that night; I replied that I was clearly going to be with my friend Jane - but I shouldn't have said that, because he lived in the same dorm as her," Merida said. "He then took a cab back about 30 minutes before we left - we were waiting for (Airmen Against Drunk Driving) to give us a ride home."

Not taking 'no' for an answer

After the AADD driver dropped the three friends back at their home base, Merida, Jane and Bill all went to Jane's dorm room. John suddenly showed up and started banging on Jane's door, shouting that he wanted to talk to Merida.

When they opened the door, John wanted to apologize to Merida.

"I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and went to his room with him. He apologized and we started being flirty again and joking around. Then he started trying to kiss me.

"I told him I didn't want a kiss, and to stop. He kept on trying to kiss me, until I stood up and told him I was leaving. As I went to walk out the door, he just pulled me to the ground and completely beat me," Merida said.

"He tore my shirt completely and made the button of my pants come off," she said, starting to get tearful as the dark memories came flooding back.

It was then that John raped her.

Dealing with the aftermath

"I was just sitting there and he started heading to the bathroom. He suddenly turned around and said, 'I can't wait to do this again ...' and tried to kiss me, before he went to take a shower."

It was only then that Merida had the opportunity to flee.

"I just took off and I ran,"she said. "I didn't even have all my clothes on when I left - I just got out of there and immediately went to Bill's room - he was my best friend.

"Bill opened up his bedroom door and just looked at me. I didn't know what I looked like; I couldn't feel anything; I was just completely out of it."

Bill was obviously shocked and immediately asked Merida what happened, but she said she didn't want to talk about it.

"I just started crying and needed to be near someone I could trust," Merida said, her voice shaking. "When I looked in the mirror later, I could see my lip was cut and I had hand marks around my neck."

Bill tried to persuade her to go to the hospital and the SARC, but she refused.

She then went upstairs to her own dorm room to take a shower.

"I took a shower for two hours," the Airman said, still visibly upset at reliving what happened to her. "I threw away all my clothes and I just cried all night."

As if she wasn't terrified enough, John had gotten hold of her phone number and started calling her, telling her he was going to do it again, threatening her and telling her if she told anyone he would keep doing it.

Friendship

It was thanks to her friends that Merida reported what happened.

"I wouldn't leave my room. They had to force me to go out to go with them and eat. I wouldn't go anywhere by myself, and had to be surrounded by just my closest friends.

"They eventually told me that if I didn't tell somebody, they would - they didn't want their friend being terrified all the time," she said.

After some time had passed, Merida gathered the strength to confront John.

"I told him I was going to tell people. I was ready to talk," Merida said.

When she first reported the sexual assault, Merida was worried people wouldn't believe her. She said it was a few weeks between when the incident occurred and when she told her first sergeant, but he'd already guessed something was up.

Not usually one to wear make-up except mascara, she had suddenly started wearing cover-up (to hide the bruises on her neck) and she was sporting a fat lip. When her first sergeant asked her what had happened, Merida had said she'd run into a wall when she was drunk. But he knew there was more to the story.

"I told my first shirt, and within 30 minutes I was talking to (the Air Force Office of Special Investigations), answering a ton of questions," she said. "It was really intimidating."

Moving forward

Starting an official report - either a confidential "restricted report" or the more public "unrestricted report" - provides immediate access to highly trained professionals like the Sexual Assault Response Coordinator, or SARC, victim advocates, or VAs, medical providers and the newly created Special Victim's Counsel, or SVC. Based on the encouragement of her friends, Merida went "unrestricted" by making her first official report to her first sergeant.

This decision to speak up got Merida into an even bigger support network. Thanks to the support from her victim advocate, Merida gathered the courage to continue with the official investigation and allowing a case to be built.

"I had the best victim advocate in the world," Merida said. "She was the greatest by far - if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been able to go to court."

Legal battles

As an unrestricted report, Merida's case made its way to a pre-trial hearing. At the hearing, Merida's experience with the Area Defense Counsel was arduous.

"It felt, at the time, like they were against me," she said. "I understand they were doing their job of defending him, but they were not very supportive of me. I just felt like they were constantly attacking me. I know they have to do their job, but there comes a point when you need to understand that someone is going through something."

Although the line of questioning made Merida feel as though she needed to defend herself, she now realizes that everyone has a right to a valid defense.

"But if I went back today, I wouldn't be half as upset as I was with them at the time, only because I realize now they (were just doing their job)."

Trying times

Coping with what happened was a long, difficult process. Throughout it all, while hurtful and challenging, Merida has gained a greater perspective that only time can allow.

"After it happened, I went through a phase of having panic attacks over anything - driving, doing laundry, sleeping. I had really bad night terrors (when) I would wake up screaming and crying."

It was at that point Merida realized she needed help to deal with what had happened to her.

"I went to mental health and talked to them, and now I feel a lot better being able to talk about it," she said. "Before, I wasn't able to say a word about it - it's been a long process."

Along the way, Merida lost her friendship with Jane. Ten of Merida's friends, including Jane, had seen her the day after the incident happened and witnessed the state she was in following the rape - bruised, a nervous wreck and very upset.

However, Jane unexpectedly changed her story, denying she'd seen Merida then. This hurt Merida.

"She said I lied about it, and told people I admitted I lied about it," Merida said. "Then she and John started hanging out ... I don't know what the deal was, but I don't respect her anymore; I don't like her and I will never talk to her again for what she's done."

Pay it forward

Upon reflection, Merida has made the decision to be the person she had needed Jane to be for her: a Wingman without prejudice. After having a friend turn her back on her, Merida decided to always be there for others.

One of Merida's friends is currently going through a similar situation. Merida feels her experience allows her to help her friend through everything, to include explaining that being a victim isn't a crime or shameful.

"She's told me she hates being a victim and knowing she is one," Merida said. "The definition of a victim is someone who has been injured, harmed or killed by an event or action. I told her, he didn't kill you, he didn't injure you - all he did was harm you. You are the one to decide how long he's able to harm you for."

Stand up and fight

The next few months proved very challenging for Merida. Even though she felt lost and alone in many ways, she also found strength in those around her.

"It came to the point where I wanted to get out of the military because I didn't want to be stuck here on this base. But my commander told me something I'll never forget: 'You've already let this guy take away the way you eat, the way you sleep, the way you can feel and how comfortable you are. He's done so much to you - don't let him take away your career. He hasn't taken away your life, but he's getting there - it's up to you if you want to stop him now, or let him keep doing it.'"

From that point on, Merida felt empowered, and knew she had to stop John from harming her any more than he had. Merida refuses to see herself as a victim.

"I'm a survivor. He harmed me for a little bit, but he's the one that's harmed now," she said. "He's nothing to me now."

Hindsight

Looking back now, the warning signs were clear - Merida simply didn't see them at the time.

"There were so many things he did that I should have caught, just in the first 10 minutes alone," she said. "But I didn't. I thought I had friends to trust as well, but Jane proved me wrong on that one."

Merida's parents are police officers who taught her certain things to do to protect herself.

"When he was hitting me, I was hitting back - but there's only so much a girl can do to a guy (who) works out every second of the day."

Now, when Merida walks alone, whatever time of day, she always carries her car keys in her hand to protect herself.

"There is no way to prevent it - you just have to be ready for it," she said.

Merida has also reflected on her decision to file an unrestricted report.

"It sucked at first, but it was worth it in the end," she said, highlighting how she gained access to different helping agencies around base after making her report.

"I would suggest speaking with a victim advocate and getting close with the SARC," Merida recommended to anyone who is dealing with a sexual assault issue. "I want other survivors who are going to interact with the ADC to know that although they are tough, they are just trying to find the truth. However hard or mean they come off, they are just trying to get to the truth."

Words of inspiration

Merida found a quote that has helped shape her life more positively. It's a quote from a Rascal Flatts' song: "Find God's grace in every mistake."

"My mom said (this all) happened to me for that reason - because I could talk to people and tell them about it later on," she said. "At the time, I didn't think I'd ever be able to talk about it. I'm not very religious, but those words are really true."

Finding peace

"I'm glad it happened to me as opposed to someone else in my family or someone else I knew (who) might not be able to handle it as well," she said. "At the time, I didn't think I'd be able to handle it - I was terrified."

But she realized it was time to move on.

"I didn't think I'd be able to do anything, but once my commander told me, 'He's already ruined so much - why let him have your life?' I realized it was true. His words (will stay) with me forever," Merida said. "I did my part - I faced (John) and I wanted to make him face what he'd done to me. I'm proud of what I did, because I know I did the right thing in reporting him."