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Look inside the mind of someone who decides it’s time to cut ties
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This article was written by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Bailey Cho. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
There are 7 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 40,231 times.
Ghosting. The Irish Exit. Protecting your peace. Whatever you decide to call it, cutting someone out of your life can be an emotional experience. Everyone has a point when they decide it’s no longer worth staying in a relationship, but it doesn’t make it any easier to leave. In this article, we’ll walk you through what someone might go through when they choose to cut someone off, including whether it’s unhealthy behavior in the long run.
This article is based on an interview with our marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- You might cut someone off if the other person continuously mistreats you and you’ve reached a breaking point in your relationship.
- Alternatively, you might cut someone off in order to prioritize your well-being and overcome people-pleasing behavior.
- Cutting someone off can be unhealthy if you don’t attempt to understand the other person’s perspective and communicate your concerns to them.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Why do I cut people off?
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You’ve reached a breaking point in your relationship. Deciding to cut ties with someone usually stems from a repeated pattern of toxic behavior, where the other person is mistreating you. Eventually, their behavior outweighs the love you feel for them, and the emotional pain you experience becomes unbearable—no matter how long you’ve known them. You might contemplate trying to fix your relationship, but it might be easier (and better for your mental health) to cut ties then and there.
- Breaking points look different for everyone, and they can happen in any environment. At work, it might be limiting your interaction with coworkers after months of enduring passive aggressive behavior. In love, it could look like ending your relationship after your partner cheats on you.
- Before deciding to cut ties with someone, reflect on their behavior. If you’ve clearly confronted the other person about things that bother you and they continue to ignore your boundaries, it might be time to end the relationship.
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You’re trying to prioritize yourself. Cutting someone toxic out of your life is a major step in developing self-love—you’re choosing to put your needs first before pleasing another person. By walking away from someone who drags you down, you open the door to new opportunities and more fulfilling relationships. In other words, you’re taking back control of your life and communicating that you deserve to be treated with respect.[1]
- If you’re struggling to let someone go, talk to a friend, family member, or trusted therapist to gain another perspective on your situation. Speaking to someone else can help you discover other ways to leave your relationship (or possibly repair it).
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You’re learning to be less codependent. If your partner isn’t meeting your needs and your relationship seems one-sided, you might decide to cut ties with them to overcome codependency. A codependent relationship often causes you to lose your identity, and that can lead to resentment toward your partner. Cutting them out of your life could be a necessary step in discovering yourself and understanding who you are as an individual.[2]
- Keep in mind that you can break codependency in your relationship without cutting ties. By setting healthy boundaries and exploring new interests, you may develop a deeper sense of self and connection to your partner.
- If you’re deciding whether to end your relationship, analyze the pros and cons of staying with your partner. Give them some time to adapt to your boundaries, and visualize your relationship in a few months (or years). If you can’t picture yourself in a better position, it might be a sign to cut ties with your partner.
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You feel betrayed by the other person. If someone lies to you or chooses to keep secrets from you, it can be extremely heartbreaking. You might have second doubts about the nature of your relationship, especially if you’ve known the other person for a long time or consider them a close friend. Cutting them off could be the easiest (and most painless) way to deal with their betrayal, instead of trying to repair your relationship.
- To deal with betrayal, take some time away from the other person so you can process the situation. Let yourself cry, feel upset, or be angry, and write down your feelings to understand your emotions. If you’re feeling particularly stressed or hurt, talk to a trusted friend or family member to work through your feelings.
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You feel like they always bring you down. Hanging out with people who constantly complain or say hurtful things can lower your self-esteem—and prompt you to cut ties. It’s totally understandable to distance yourself from those who make you feel bad, and if you feel guilty about cutting them off, remind yourself that you’re worthy of healthy relationships with people who inspire and uplift you!
- If you’re debating whether to keep someone in your life, reflect on your relationship with the other person. Do you feel supported by them? Do they inspire you to be the best version of yourself? If not, it might be a sign to step back and break things off.
- Take care of yourself by spending time with positive people. Even if you’re not as close to them as the person you cut out of your life, don’t be afraid to ask other people to hang out—invite them to see a movie, go on a walk, or try a new restaurant together.
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You’re saving yourself from toxic people. Everyone argues with their loved ones from time to time, but frequent fighting isn’t normal or healthy. If you’re hanging out with someone who is cynical, angry, attention-seeking, or disrespectful, their behavior may negatively affect your mental health. At the end of the day, there’s only so much toxicity you can take, and cutting them off might be the best solution to protect your peace.
- Before cutting off a loved one, determine if there are other ways to fix your relationship. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member to gain an outside perspective, or attend therapy together to rebuild your relationship.
- If the other person isn’t willing to change, let them know their behavior is unacceptable and end the relationship. Rehearse the conversation before confronting them, and make it clear that you don’t wish to see them again.
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You’re protecting yourself from abuse. Some people use their past trauma to manipulate others, and while they may be a victim in previous situations, it doesn’t give them the right to inflict their pain onto you. If someone constantly criticizes or humiliates you, issues ultimatums, or tries to control, blame, or shame you, protect yourself and end the relationship. These are signs of emotional abuse, and they’re not justifiable under any conditions. Abuse is never your fault, and you deserve to be treated with respect.
- Don’t allow yourself to cling to the relationship because you’re scared of letting go. Their behavior will likely get worse over time, making it harder to leave. Remind yourself of all the pain the person has caused, and seek support from your loved ones so you can heal and move forward.
- If you suspect the other person might physically harm you, be discreet and make an escape plan with the help of a trusted friend, family member, or organization. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is open 24/7, and you can call their phone number (1-800-799-7233) or use their online chat feature.[3]
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You’ve grown apart from the other person. Sometimes, you drift away from other people, and there isn’t a huge event or issue that makes you want to cut ties. You might just have different lifestyles, priorities, or dreams, or you might live in different cities. Everyone is on their own journey, and cutting someone off might be the best way for you to step out of your comfort zone and achieve long term goals.
- If you feel like your friend is holding you back or they’re becoming a bad influence on you, it might be a sign that you’ve outgrown them. Change your interactions with them by occasionally checking in from time to time, or cut them off if you don’t miss them at all (and don’t crave closure).
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Section 3 of 4:
How to Deal with Cutting Someone Off
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Resist their efforts to come back into your life. It might be hard to cut a toxic person off, but removing them makes more room for loving and nurturing relationships. If they try to re-enter your life, stay strong and remind yourself why you let them go in the first place. It’s not your responsibility to “fix” or babysit someone, and cutting them off is the best way to protect yourself and possibly push them to get professional help.[5]
- Instead, find your own tribe, and surround yourself with people who make you feel good. You can meet new people by hitting the gym, attending more local events, or taking classes that align with your interests.
- Remember, healthy relationships are worth investing in, and you won’t have the time or energy to maintain them if you’re dealing with toxic people.
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Remind yourself that closure comes from within. When you cut someone off, getting direct closure might not be possible, but you can find ways to move forward on your own. Let yourself grieve the end of your relationship, and don’t be afraid to take time off to heal. While you may not ever understand what was happening with the other person, make peace with the fact that you aren’t responsible for their behavior, especially if they treated you poorly.[6]
- To get closure without contact, block their phone number and email so they can’t control, manipulate, or hurt you anymore, and unfollow them on social media so you don’t have to relive painful memories every day.
- Write the other person a letter, expressing your feelings in vivid detail. Remember, it’s okay to sound “mean” or angry, as long as you acknowledge and let go of your emotions. Once you’re done, burn the letter to release negativity from your life and feel a sense of closure.
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Avoid gossiping about the other person. While it might be tempting to talk poorly about the person you cut off, take the high road and avoid gossip to speed up the healing process. Spreading one-sided information is a reflection of your character, and it might cause other people to distance themselves from you.[7]
- Instead of venting to every person you see, distract yourself with fun activities, or confide in a close friend or family member to get things off your chest.
- To keep yourself from gossiping, remember the Golden Rule: you wouldn’t want the other person to talk about you, so treat them the way you wish to be treated. Speaking negatively about others doesn’t add value to your life, and it takes time away from building meaningful relationships.
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References
- ↑ https://quchronicle.com/78069/opinion/its-you-not-me-why-cutting-people-off-is-good-for-you/
- ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/co-dependency
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/from-trial-to-triumph/202306/how-to-decide-whether-to-cut-someone-out-of-your-life
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/why-when-and-how-to-start-cutting-people-out-of-your-life/
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/why-when-and-how-to-start-cutting-people-out-of-your-life/
- ↑ https://natashaadamo.com/cutting-people-off/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/connected-leadership/202302/why-people-interrupt
About This Article
Marriage & Family Therapist
This article was written by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Bailey Cho. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). This article has been viewed 40,231 times.
Co-authors: 3
Updated: July 26, 2023
Views: 40,231
Categories: Relationships
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 40,231 times.
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