10 Signs of An Emotionally Unavailable Man
Counseling for Relationships in Long Island and New York
You’re sitting in your cozy New York apartment and are staring at your computer screen, wide awake at 3am. For some reason, you can’t sleep but you don’t know why. Then you go to your google browser and click “ Why don’t I feel calm in my relationship”? and scroll through a few blogs and info graphs.
Then you write “How to know if the guy I’m with loves me”… and you find a few juicy articles with some basic examples that let you know if your man is “into you”..but then you see a term in the corner of the page that says “but, beware of the emotionally unavailable partner”, and you stare at those words for a few long moments.
You head back to google and click “How To Know If My Man Is Emotionally Available” and boom, you hit the jackpot. Your “mister” may not be emotionally available and that’s what this anxiety has been about. This is what’s been keeping you with a nagging feeling of doubt, insecurity and fear.
What does it mean if someone is emotionally unavailable?
Signs he IS Available!
It means that the person has a difficult time relating to and understanding your emotions (as well as their own). They may not fully comprehend or know how to engage with and reciprocate love in a way that feels fulfilling; physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually.
An Emotionally unavailable person often has a fear or a blockage to emotional intimacy, leaving the other person feeling like they are grasping for more, left feeling misunderstood, emotionally unsatisfied and confused.
Relationships, while sometimes challenging, are meant to come with a feeling of security, excitement and calm.
So, if you’re feeling unsteady, and uncertain about how your partner feels about you, you may want to have a conversation with them. At the same time, if you think they may be unavailable, your plan of action may be a bit more nuanced so you don’t keep feeling confused.
Wondering if your man is emotionally unavailable?
Hey there New Yorkers! Here are 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man.
1. When it comes to real-life conversations, they run.
You enjoy being in each others’ company and have a really playful dynamic, sexually. The conversation flows smoothly when it’s about friends, plans for dinner or your clothing choice. However, when you start sharing more emotionally about your family, or discuss your plans for your future, he checks out. An emotionally unavailable man has a difficult time knowing how to engage in the real-stuff conversations. In some instances, he may have some capacity to listen, but is emotionally shutting that part of himself down so that you don’t get too close. If that’s the case, you will likely feel shut down and alone. Healthy relationships are ones where your partner wants you to feel connected with, heard and supported.
2. Their relationship history speaks loudly
Though we can’t judge all people solely based on their history, when it comes to relationships, it’s important to take note of the person’s relationship history. The ways we operate in relationships (engage, respond, love, reciprocate, listen) are based on patterned responses that are often automatic and unconscious. Therefore, if someone has operated in a certain way in the past, unless they’ve done some really introspective work and made conscious shifts, it’s more than likely they will repeat their old patterns in their current relationships.
When it comes to past relationships of men who are emotionally unavailable, you’ll either see that they have never been in a real relationship- and have only had casual “flings” or “situation-ships”. They may have primarily had “friends with benefits”, or they’ve had relationships that were toxic, codependent or chronically unfulfilling. You may hear them sharing a narrative blaming the other person or thinking that it was the other person at fault, without hearing the person taking accountability for their part of the dynamic. You may notice a pattern where they leave the relationship just as it’s about to get serious, or if they end things because they are afraid of “getting stuck”. These are all signs of someone who has fear associated with emotional intimacy.
They have emotional blockages that hold them back from seeing that, though relationships do come with responsibility, healthy love can also be freeing, invigorating and deeply nourishing.
If there is a level of health and emotional awareness, you would hear the person take accountability in some form. Here are some examples; “I wasn’t really able to be present”, or “I acted like needy child and there was no way we were going to last”, or “ I was afraid of intimacy so I only attracted chaotic partners” or “ I don’t know what it was, but I definitely had a part on the experience”.)
3. Intermittent Responsiveness
When we are in a healthy relationship, there is a level of interaction and responsiveness, in person and via phone. When someone is emotionally unavailable, their communication will reflect that. There will be times that they reach out and engage with you, and there will be times where they go silent and respond hours later. We all know that sometimes we get busy, and it’s ok to sometimes not be responsive. But when it comes to someone who is emotionally non-present, there will be a normalizing of this lack of communication or intermittent emotional presence. If you feel like you’re grasping for a response, or you’re reaching to know that you matter to them, please take a breath and pause.
Do not stay engaged in a cycle with someone who isn’t able to reciprocate healthy communication and care. You will be left feeling Emotionally Hungry.
4. The Energy is Non-Committal
Do you know that calm feeling you get when you spend time with someone who just loves you? Think about your best friend from childhood, or your sister or a close colleague who just shows up for you, in the good times and the bad. Our bodies know the energy that surrounds us. Somatic Therapy speaks about this concept, that we have a “felt sense” a feeling that gives us the “good feels” or “yucky feels”. When it comes to being with someone emotionally unavailable, your body gets this anxious, irritable energy because you can sense his energy of non-commitment.
Though he may have adorable dimples, or a lovable laugh, and makes you smile, you end up feeling a bitter taste in your heart.
His energy of non commitment comes across when he fits you into his “free time” or cancels plans last minute. He won’t be making sure you’re on this “priority list”, and when you start noticing your position in his life, you start feeling bad about yourself and this often causes a dent to your self esteem. Yeah, not a good thing to stay engaged with!
5. You feel insecure and misunderstood
Half of being understood is about your words landing, but the other half is about the person truly caring about how you’re feeling and valuing your emotions. When Mr. Unavailable is the one you’re investing emotionally in, you’ll likely feel dismissed, and misunderstood. He may be “listening” to the words you’re staying, but he isn’t truly taking the energy to understand you, get to fully grasp how the situation you’re sharing impacted you, and he may even get frustrated when you seem hurt by his lack of care. He may tell you that you’re too needy and are complicated because “he’s trying”. Hearing this can leave you feeling insecure and bad about yourself. You may think you’re feeling bad because of what he said about you needing too much, but really the insecurity is about the fact that you’re engaging with someone who isn’t giving you a feeling of safety and security.
You deserve to feel secure, valued and for y0ur partner to be attentive to you; please do not take criticism about your (reasonable) emotional needs to heart.
6. Defensiveness is their second name
A sign of an emotionally available man!
He will likely have some kind of awareness that he isn’t showing up in the way you’re wanting and needing. Because of this, if he says something that lands wrong or if you question something about his motive, you’ll hear a defensive response. This irritability on his end is because he’s operating with a sense of self denial (he may tell himself he doesn’t need a more emotional relationship, or he may want to be in a relationship, but not with you, and he needs to keep all the true feelings far away from himself so he doesn’t feel compelled to make changes).
It’s not your job to help someone be less defensive; it’s your job to listen to his actions and energy and decide if this is healthy for you (hint: it likely is not!)
Now, in healthy relationships, we all have defensiveness that can come up, and those are work-able with. However, when it’s in a relationship that is wobbly and had little emotional connection, and there is a lot of defensiveness, you want to be careful and notice that.
7. Lacking excitement, romance and growing love
Healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationships grow with time. Though the initial infatuation settles, what does grow is a feeling of excitement of being with someone who understands you, a growing romantic dynamic that comes with ease and an anchoring love and connectedness. Relationships the steady foundations to our emotional health, and when you’re in a healthy relationship, you will feel steadier.
This doesn’t mean you wont have conflict, but it means that you have the capacity to move past disagreements and grow, together. Your love becomes richer and more calming to both of you, as you stay emotionally attuned and caring to one another, and to the relationship.
But when you’re with someone emotionally unavailable, you won’t feel any of the warm fuzzy feelings around your heart. You may have some good feelings, but there’s a feeling of stagnation where the good isn’t growing and the love is deepening. If you notice a lack of spark and joy, don’t ignore that feeling; listen in.
8. Judgement around sharing emotions instead of vulnerability being seen as beautiful.
Relationships are all about vulnerability, trust and care. Sharing emotions is about letting someone else into our heart and giving them a chance at getting closer to us. When someone is emotionally unavailable, they are terrified of emotions. They are afraid of sharing because they likely have their own fears about opening up to someone. But since they have a fierce wall of protection, you may not get to see their feelings, but when you share yours, you will be met with a feeling of judgement.
But please do know that just because he has fears about getting attached and responding to your emotional sharing, it does not mean that your feelings are bad or wrong to share. Judgement about your emotions may be a warning sign that he will either continuously shut you down emotionally, or will leave when he feels threatened emotionally. This is a toxic dynamic to stay in, so please honor your heart and find a way to leave the relationship if this dynamic is present.
When you’re with someone emotionally available, you’ve got this!
9. Out of Touch With Reality
Some men who are unavailable are living in a fantasy world and are out of touch with reality. They may have big plans, big ideas and are living in a mental space that is disconnected from reality. This may be a defense because they may have a lot of pain about their family of origin, or may feel like they are falling behind professionally or socially.
However, a healthy man is aware of his reality and take small yet smart steps towards growing. If your man is unavailable, you may notice that he’s simply out of touch with reality, not just with you and your relationship, but in a lot of areas in life.
This may give you comfort, as his limitations are clearly not about you, but are about him. And even if he is in touch with reality, but is emotionally unavailable- it still isn’t about you. The only problem that belongs to you is that you are choosing to stay engaged with someone who isn’t capable of respecting you in the way you need.
10. Confusion
You may feel a floaty feeling of confusion when you speak with them, or you may just feel confused when you spend time with them. On the one hand, you like what you have and it has sweet parts, but something leaves you feeling confused and unclear. If you feel this way, it’s coming from somewhere; I wouldn’t brush it away. If you were in a healthy relationship or if your man has the capacity to emotionally engage, I’d bring up the feeling and say “Hey, I notice I’m feeling kinda confused about us, or something between us feels confusing, can we chat about it please?”.
This kind of conversation can provide a space to openly share and to come to a place of tending to whatever it is that’s coming up from your end, his end, or an implicit dynamic between the two of you. However, with someone unavailable, this kind of conversation may go in circles or you may get answers that don’t settle you. You aren’t meant to feel confused in a relationship.
If you’re reading this, know that relationships can be fulfilling.
As social creatures, we need each other. However, we need others who are healthy enough to engage in real relationships. Now, if you are with someone who is loving and kind and has some limits, I would not put them on the “black list” just because they struggle. All relationships struggle, however, in healthy enough ones, both parties are open, truthful, clear and committed to the relationship and can tolerate the uncomfortable conversations.
However, if you are with someone who isn’t able to offer emotional availability and you ARE able to be emotionally available, then this blog is for you. I hope this information can clarify some facts so you feel less confused and more clear about your relationship.
I know that shifting relationships and taking in new information can feel overwhelming, or maybe even frightening.
Please take a breath and just take the information in slowly. Most often, we land up in unavailable relationships without realizing, or because there’s an unconscious attraction to people like that because of our own fears or negative beliefs about ourselves.
Sometimes, getting the right support from friends, family or a mentor or therapist, is the smartest route when making shifts in your relationship. If you are needing some individualized attention and one-on-one counseling to help support you as you make relationship shifts, reach out. We are here for you.
Our goal at Integrative Psychotherapy is about helping you have richer relationships….
And even more than that, we are here to do the deep work so we can help you heal from negative beliefs that keep you pulled into unfulfilling relationships or dynamics in your life.
New York Counseling for Improving Your Relationships.
We get it, and our skilled clinicians have helped individuals do the work that allows for richer relationships. We utilize talk therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Attachment Informed Therapy, Parts Work/IFS, Creative Arts and Mind-Body Somatic Therapy to help you make shifts in your day to day relationships as well as tending to any unconscious patterns so you can make lasting changes in your life.
And wherever you are at today, reading this page, please do know that my heart is sending warm wishes to yours.
I truly believe that as you gain awareness and skills, you can and will invite more fulfilling relationships.
As long as you are devoted to your heart, and to being in emotionally healthy relationships, you will have that. It may take time, but your commitment to health will guide you there.
We are a team of counselors in Long Island and New York, trained in therapy methods to help you improve your relationships.
You can shift your patterns and even change what kind of person you are attracted to! Therapy with relationship experts can help you shift the way you show up to life and to relationships.
Many of our clients find themselves in healthy, nourishing relationships, once they engage in therapy.
Often, we use EMDR, IFS parts work, art therapy or talk therapy or somatic methods, which help you make signfiicant shifts!
To start your journey to more fulfilling relationships, book your FREE 15 minute consultation! We will hear your unique struggles and hopes for counseling, and set you up with a therapist who fits your personality and specific clinical needs.
Sending you strength and care,
Xx
Esther and the Integrative Team
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