It’s Summer Lovin’ Week here at Mashable, which means things are getting steamy. In honor of the release of Crazy Rich Asians, we’re celebrating onscreen love and romance, looking at everything from our favorite fictional couples to how Hollywood’s love stories are evolving. Think of it as our love letter to, well, love.
It's hard to believe one can mess up an onscreen romance, when it almost always entails putting two very attractive people in romantic situations. But somehow, Hollywood manages to fuck it up. A lot.
There's no antonym for "thirsty" in internet speak. But we need to make one up just to accurately describe the way these horribly mismatched couples left us as dry as the Saharan desert.
These are the fictional couples from film, TV, and video games who should go to jail for being crimes against humanity and murdering the concept of love:
1. Bella and Edward, Twilight
It's hard to choose which couple in the Twilight series kills romance the most. The mutant vampire-human fetus and werewolf came pretty close!
But we have to hand the award to Bella and Edward, for giving women and girls the impression that abusive behavior and toxic relationships are, like, so totally dreamy. It didn't help that both actors looked visibly pained at the prospect of being in these movies.
You know what also didn't help? Everything about who these characters are fundamentally.
1.5 Anastasia and Christian, Fifty Shades of Grey
As a symptom of the aforementioned Twilight disease, this fanfic-turned-blockbuster movie only perpetuated the crisis of couples who appear to find love, against all the odds of having zero compatibility.
I dunno. At least there's gags in this one, though.
2. Ginny and Harry, Harry Potter (movies)
A sad, sad addition to our list, but a necessary one for the sake of ethics in journalism.
The book versions of Harry and Ginny are marginally better than the jarringly flat romance depicted in the film adaptations. And on an emotional level, the two characters are a perfect pair, with equal amounts of strength and coping with the hardships of PTSD.
But the chemistry between Daniel Radcliffe and Bonnie Wright is about as scintillating as a brother and sister.
Cho Chang might not have been the woman of Harry's dreams. But at least she looked age appropriate.
3. Mario and Peach, Nintendo
The iconic Prom King and Queen of video games have the most incomprehensible relationship on this list. For decades now, Mario has been saving the Mushroom Kingdom's Princess from other castles. And each time, it looks like she feels more imprisoned by her obligation to Mario than any of the times she was physically kidnapped by Bowser.
In the early days of Mario games, Peach used to offer the Jump Man "cake" as a reward (which is the diplomatic way of saying, "Please don't ever fucking touch me, you rotund pleb.) Then she went through a phase of giving him a kiss for saving her.
But by the end of Super Mario Odyssey, she basically text message breaks up with him and travels the world alone.
4. Han and Qi'ra, Star Wars: A Solo Story
Not much about this movie worked, least of all the romance meant to serve as the emotional linchpin for our two main characters. It's particularly criminal because Han is supposed to be a literal criminal who can steal the heart of any woman. Yet we saw a stronger romantic connection between him and Chewy than him and Qi'ra.
I mean there were more sparks flying between Lando and a robot than those two. Tough stuff.
5. Vision and The Scarlet Witch, Avengers: Infinity War
Speaking of robots, this one doesn't deserve love at all. Because Vision and Scarlet Witch might be responsible for an actual crime against humanity in their cinematic universe.
There's so many moving parts that Avengers: Infinity War masterfully juggles. It's telling that the biggest suspension of disbelief required of you in a movie with space racoons and Norse gods is actually Vision and Wanda's love. Somehow, the movie expects us to care enough about them to agree that their love is worth putting HALF THE GODDAMN GALAXY'S POPULATION AT RISK OF ANNIHILATION.
Absolutely not. Let Bucky and Captain America kiss and release us from this hell.
6. Every Woody Allen movie starring Woody Allen as a love interest
Unfortunately we've got to get serious for this one, because Woody Allen has been accused of actual crimes that go against all human decency. And his films don't help, often depicting a gollum creature (played by Allen himself) who somehow engages in multiple relationships with drop dead gorgeous women who fall in love with him instead of calling the cops.
Case in point: Manhattan, which is one hour and thirty minutes of Woody Allen complaining about how his beautiful underage girlfriend is just too beneath him (read: she is a child, while he is an adult gollum).
Tracy deserves justice, as does every other woman forced to pretend Woody Allen was an acceptable love interest.
7. Padme and Anakin, Star Wars Episode 1-3
You'd think putting two of the most beautiful human beings on planet earth together would work no matter what -- but actually, it was an intergalactic crime.
Time of death for love: rolling around giggling on the fields of Naboo.
8. Tom and Summer, 500 Days of Summer
Arguably, the terrible existence of this couple is pretty much the point of 500 Days of Summer.
And for that, Tom and Summer win the Best Worst Couple award for a) Doing it on purpose, b) Revealing the blinding nature of infatuation, and c) Somehow turning two of the most charismatically likable people currently in Hollywood into the literal worst.
9. Izzie and George, Grey's Anatomy
We'd all probably prefer to not relive how everything about this coupling failed us. So let's leave it at the fact that this evolution from friendship into romance basically killed George. And that might've been for the best because god knows how much higher the body count would've gotten if mother nature hadn't stepped in to save us all from witnessing this play out.
10. Anna and Kristoff, Frozen
I know we're supposed to celebrate Frozen as Pixar's closest thing to feminism, but there's one glaring flaw: Kristoff is a fucking asshole raised by trolls and Anna's a really rad princess.
Most of the time Anna and Kristoff spend together amounts to him telling her how awful she is. Meanwhile, he's the useless one. Again, there's more sexual chemistry between Kristoff and his furry sidekick than between Anna and Kristoff.
Let Kristoff mary Sven, you cowards.
Topics Gaming Harry Potter Marvel Star Wars
