3 Reasons Why You Disinvite Someone From Your Wedding
I was standing in the living room staring out at the front porch when I made the decision. Nelson was a wonderful person. He probably still is. But, almost 10 years ago to the day, I had to disinvite him from my wedding. These just are not things you want to consider around your special day.
I had tremendous affection for Nelson. He was so much fun and incredibly talented. He specialized in hair and makeup and was a couture designer who could take one look at you and hand stitch a bustier that fit perfectly. As a matter of fact, that’s just what he did for me. Unbelievable talent. He was pleasant, funny and fabulous. He was everything you’d want in a friend. And I had known him for years.
Decades ago I worked for Nelson as his assistant. I’d do the usual assistant duties, run errands, field his calls, and take notes for a book on design that he was creating. It was an enjoyable side hustle which enabled Nelson and I to grow quite close. We lost touch after his partner died and reconnected years later. However, he seemed to be drinking more than usual. In the past, he received interventions for his drinking but he wasn’t really interested in curbing his habit. He claimed it was under control. Nelson had a lovely home, friends, career, and frankly, his life did seem somewhat “under control”.
Once Nelson and I reconnected years later after our initial working together, I noticed that he often became upset when Claire’s name would come up. He spoke about her in derogatory ways which was quite surprising to me. Claire introduced me to Nelson so we were all friends and had been for years. When I asked him about his anger towards Claire, he said that Claire never supported him and wasn’t kind to him during tough times when his partner was alive. I found this surprising since I’d known Claire for decades and she was nothing but giving, loyal, kind and supportive. His behavior was curious. However, I tried to distract myself from his drama with my own happy drama — my upcoming nuptials!
I was getting married in a few months and planned the whole thing myself. I was pretty chuffed. I had four women in my wedding party including myself so I figured it would be lovely if Nelson did the hair and makeup. He said, yes! The other three ladies excitedly agreed to be pampered by the famed stylist, so we all met at my home to go over hairdos, etc. One girlfriend brought a bottle of wine for Nelson as a Thank You gift. He instantly took the bottle and asked for wine glasses. I tried to steer him away from this journey but he was persistent in going along the path. I stopped just short of doing a WWF move to get him to stop because he was drinking all of the wine himself. He was drunk and unbothered. As the women went over details regarding the hairdos they wanted, Nelson responded with a cacophony of “Girrrl, I know what I’m doing.” “Girrrl, you don’t want to do that!” “Girrrl, it’ll be fine, puh-lease what are you talking about?” It was a sketchy ordeal. At the end of the evening, my girlfriends walked away slightly confused and concerned. Nothing was accomplished. The proverbial yellow flag was flying. I called him a car for home.
First he assaulted Claire’s character, now he’s drinking like there’s a wine shortage in the Western Hemisphere. Houston, we have a problem. I had no idea his drinking had ballooned to this state. Time to meditate and suss this thing out.
Since I was working for Nelson, I saw him the following week for work. He needed me to start that day at noon, so that’s the time I got to his home. He greeted me at the door drinking a goblet of chardonnay. He hadn’t eaten anything, nor was he planning on it. While eyeing the glass I inquired, “Isn’t it a little early?” He replied, “It’s noon somewhere!” I calmly responded, “It is noon. Here. And I don’t think that’s the phrase exactly.” I slowly drifted into the “I’m worried about you, what about your health” conversation. But that went nowhere fast so I began my tasks for the day. As the days wore on, I received messages from my girlfriends stating that they reached out to Nelson with questions on their hair and makeup to which they received no response. The wedding was getting closer and Nelson hadn’t done a thing except drink wine.
That yellow flag was hitting me in the face at this point.
I took some much needed time off to assess how to deal with this yellow flag situation called Nelson. My wedding was now only two weeks away.
I called him. He wouldn’t answer his phone, so we texted. To say it was a hot mess would be putting it mildly. After each of my questions, he’d text back a series of consonants with a lost vowel here and there. I’m not kidding. I hadn’t a clue as to what he was trying to communicate. His drinking problem was larger than I had imagined. I thought: What if the ladies don’t get their hair done? What if his drinking gets out of hand at the wedding? Do I get my husband and one of the groomsmen to act as bouncers? Wait a minute, Daydree, you’re making your husband and friend bouncers?? No. Time to meditate.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” — Maya Angelou
It was clear. You must disinvite Nelson from the wedding. Do it.
I attempted to reach him by phone to set up a meeting. He did not return my calls but instead, texted me back. He was drinking again so I could not understand his texts. I stood in my living room and stared out at the front porch. I decided to write him a letter. I called again and there was no response. I drove to his house and left the letter at his front door. The deed was done and so was our friendship.
Here are your 3 Reasons to disinvite someone from your wedding.
#1 They are a part of your wedding but not taking on their responsibilities. The agreement between Nelson and me was that he do hair and makeup for my bridesmaids. When they all met to do just that, Nelson ignored his commitment and drank instead. Furthermore, when the ladies called Nelson at a later date to follow-up, he did not return their phone calls.
#2 If you notice the individual has adopted behavior patterns that are erratic and/or negative towards you or others attending the wedding. When Nelson suddenly became hateful towards Claire it was concerning and completely out of left field. This behavior was illogical and painful for me since we were all friends. Ultimately, I spoke to Claire about it and discovered that what Nelson said about her was false. His drinking had skewed his memory and behavior.
#3 If you discover the guest cannot control their alcohol or drug use. The nature of any event with a large number of people can pose obstacles. Then, when you add individuals consuming large amounts of alcohol and/or drugs something might go wrong. The question is, how much “wrong” are you willing to deal with? Once I attended a wedding reception where a guest got so hammered that he rolled down a grassy hill. He was fine and got right back up and kept partying. Hardly anyone noticed because it was a large wedding. But what are you interested in seeing at your wedding? What is the environment and energy that you want to create for your special day? Stay true to your vision.
As a Relationship coach and Reiki master my success has been helping individuals transform what they need so that they can attract more of what they want in relationships and in life. But not everyone wants to change and improve. Some people will be challenging. So, while you want everything to go perfectly for your wedding, it simply may not. Allow that to be. Let go of the perfect and embrace the peace of mind. Meditate. Ultimately, that peace of mind will yield the most successful wedding for you.
