When the formerly pejorative term "queer" was reclaimed in the late 1980s, the LGBT community gained another letter in Q. It was celebrated as covering a swath of potential identities, but the LGBTQ alphabet soup still did not include one sexual orientation in particular: asexual.
An "ace" (a shortened term for asexual) is someone who has little or no sexual attraction or sexual desire, and, like queerness, it covers a wide and colorful spectrum. "Gray" asexuals find themselves swimming in the gray areas of sexual desire and dip their toes into both sides of the sexual pool. Aces can also have romantic relationships, a platonic attraction separate from sexual desire. They might be both ace and "aro" (or aromantic) and have no inclination toward people sexually or romantically.
It’s important to celebrate those who are building relationships in their lives that aren’t always sexual. Aces, whether they are straight, gay, married, or single, are part of the community. In the spirit of LGBTQIA+ awareness, Allure talked to three asexual people to demystify the orientation and talk about what it means to them to be ace.
A Married, Gray-Asexual on Her Identity
Meghan Cross knew she wasn’t heterosexual but couldn’t put her finger on a description that sounded right. Then June arrived, when some of Cross's friends were chatting about asexuality for Pride Month, and it got her thinking. She started doing research online, reading first-person accounts written by asexual people.
At the time, Cross thought asexuality meant you hated sex. She had been with her husband for eight years, married for three, and knew that didn’t describe her. She and her husband had sex. But something was still nagging her.
"The more I read about it, the more I realized what a broad spectrum it is," she says. "I was like, 'This makes so much sense. This is exactly what I am.'" The confusions started to lift as she continued to read about the array of asexual people.
She realized that her feelings about sex were common, and that it was OK to feel differently about it at different times; in fact, it was pretty common. "Because of sex aversion, I had never considered asexuality for myself," she tells Allure. "I think of it in waves. There are times when I’m very indifferent to sex. I’m not repulsed by the idea, it’s just 'whatever' to me. Then there are times when I am more interested in wanting to have sex, so I’m closer to gray-ace in that regard."
Gray-sexuals, who also use the term "gray-A" or "gray-ace," are flexible in their sexual preferences. Sometimes sex sounds fun and sometimes it doesn’t. Cross's struggles weren’t completely over, though — she still had to come out to her husband. She stressed to him that, in the end, she was still herself.
"I explained how it doesn’t change anything about us and our relationship, it’s just me getting a better understanding of who I am," she says. Navigating a healthy asexual-heterosexual relationship relies on heavy communication. "It’s just communicating, listening, understanding. Being open to what your partner is saying and be willing to adapt if you need to," she explains. It was helpful to explore how she felt sexually, but there were still some kinks to work out when it came to romantic attraction.
Cross says learning about romantic and sexual attraction — and how they operate separately — was when she started to put the puzzle pieces together. She had thought she was bisexual until she learned about romantic attraction. "I enjoy that it exists separately, that you can have a deep emotional attraction to somebody that is devoid of sexual desire."
She explains romantic attraction as wanting to sit on the couch holding someone’s hand, versus wanting to engage in sexual activity with them. Cross also feels self-acceptance is key to a healthy sexual identity.
“The biggest thing for me is that you’re not broken. I spent so much time thinking that there was something wrong with me because all my friends were having sex. I just didn’t have an interest or desire,” she says. "You’re not broken, there’s nothing wrong with you, and there are other people who feel exactly the same way that you do."
What It's Like to Be a Southern Ace
Lakayla Wilhite, a 21-year-old student in Orlando, found out about asexuality in high school in the same way many queer people find their communities: by using the Internet. They say back then, this was all new to them; they knew that you could be straight or gay, but the word "asexual" simply wasn’t on their radar.
Their sadness and depression fluctuated throughout their high school life. When they graduated, they wanted to be more open and let go of the grief of hiding their identity. They came out as nonbinary and asexual, and in doing so, found a community.
"I met some really great people out of high school and said, 'Listen, this is who I am. I don’t want to be sad anymore,'" they remember. For young adults, they say that finding a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) club and peers who will listen can help alleviate the pressure. But what about when you're an adult, and the realities of life are perhaps a bit more harsh?
"You have to accept yourself and say, ‘I don’t want to be sad anymore.’ Because you probably are, and are probably confused and don’t want to do this anymore," they explain. "When you’re struggling against yourself, it's terrible. So figure out who you are first, and then the rest will definitely follow. You attract what you reflect."
As for romantic attraction, they aren’t concerned with labels: "[Romantic attraction] hasn’t happened before. It’s not something that I’m stressed about, because I’ve just decided, this isn't for me. Whatever you want to call it." They say people are afraid of things they can’t understand and that’s why they use labels.
They aren’t sexually or romantically attracted to people. "I’m just here," they say. "I enjoy the company of the experiences I have with people as they are. I think it’s more for people that don’t identify as LGBTQ. It’s for them, it’s not for us." Their platonic relationships are extremely important to them and pour happiness into their life.
"My family and I are a really tight-knit group. I’ve known my best friend since I was five; others since middle school. We’re all really, really close,” they tell Allure. “There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for them."
An Asexual Man on His Platonic Relationship
"It’s going to happen eventually." That’s what Robin Peterson kept telling himself as a teen. "Sooner or later, I’ll have a crush on someone. I’ll want to have sex. I’m just too young right now." But it never happened. Peterson realized this wasn’t an age issue; it was about him as a person.
The Korean-German 26-year-old first heard the word "asexual" mentioned in a made-for-TV documentary. He said the show was pretty awful in the way that many made-for-TV specials are, but something clicked. Tumblr, a commonly used space for the queer community, solidified it: He was asexual and aromantic.
Peterson thought he was ahead of the game when it came to the mushy-gushy stuff. “I was really upset as to why people couldn’t see all this romantic stuff was fake; it doesn’t exist," he says. "It’s all just from the media. They’re buying into Valentine’s Day and just not criticizing it enough.”
It took him a while to "get the memo," in his words, and to understand that people actually do have romantic feelings. He is now dating a nonbinary person platonically. "I care very deeply about them. I still don’t have any romantic feelings, but I like this person a lot," Peterson says. "They’re my best friend and I’m fine with that label."
He always wants people to know that asexuality is OK and that it shouldn’t be viewed as an affliction. "People don’t suffer because of it. It doesn’t always come from some kind of trauma," he says. "Asexual people can be very happy in a relationship, and asexual people can have sex. That doesn’t make them any less ace."
For Peterson, it’s not a lackluster life because there isn’t anything happening in the realm of sexuality. "Caring deeply about someone, wanting them to be happy, and wanting some emotional intimacy with them: All of this is very, very important," he explains. "I think it’s the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, whether you have sex or not. It’s important to just be close with someone and be sharing your lives."
More on sexuality:
- Coming Out as Transgender Only Made My Relationship Stronger
- If I’ve Never Enjoyed Sex, Does That Mean I’m Asexual?
- Genderqueer Star Jacob Tobia Explains What Being Gender-Nonconforming Really Means
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