Family Guy (TV Series)

I Take Thee, Quagmire (2006)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Chinese Man, Founding Father

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : You know, this may not be cool, just throwing it out there, she *was* suicidal.

  Death : Really?

• Glen Quagmire : I gotta find a way out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours?

  Cleveland Brown : You slept with my wife.

• Brian Griffin : [after Peter appears on "Wheel of Fortune"]  I can't believe you actually won. But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a gameshow. Like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".

  Alex Trebek : All right players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response?

  [West reveals that he has written "Kebert Xela" as his answer] 

  Alex Trebek : Kebert Xela.

  [There is a flash of light, and Trebek vanishes with a scream. The other contestants look shocked] 

  Mayor Adam West : Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the Fifth Dimension, where he belongs.

• Founding Father 1 : All right, we're done.

  Founding Father 2 : You think the language in the second amendment is clear enough? You know, about the right to bear arms?

  Founding Father 3 : Of course it's clear. Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. How could that possibly be misconstrued?

• Stewie Griffin : By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? They're not boobs! They're LIES!

• Glen Quagmire : [noticing the ring on his finger at his reception]  Giggity giggity GOD, I made a terrible mistake!

• Stewie Griffin : I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.

  [Lois and Peter are seen reading something on the sofa] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, Lois, what's this word?

  Lois Griffin : "Evel..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... Knievel..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... was..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... born..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... in..."

  Peter Griffin : And this one?

  Lois Griffin : "... Montana."

  Peter Griffin : Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?

• Lois Griffin : [trying to wean Stewie off breast milk]  Tonight we're going to try formula instead.

  [Stewie sucks on the bottle, but immediately spits the contents out] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ugh! That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.

  [cutaway; Brian and Stewie are on the couch, when Peter enters dressed like Daisy Duke] 

  Peter Griffin : So, who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball.

  [Peter bends over and his shorts ride up his butt crack; Brian and Stewie turn away and groan in disgust] 

  Brian Griffin : It's like a walrus flossing.

• Peter Griffin : Everybody, this is Joan.

  Joe Swanson : Hi.

  Cleveland Brown : Hello.

  [smitten, Quagmire imagines them in Rivendell, a la "The Lord of the Rings"] 

  Joan the Maid : [in Elvish]  My life is mine to give to whomever I wish. I choose a mortal life with you, Quagmire.

  Glen Quagmire : [replying in Elvish]  Giggity.

  [returning to reality] 

  Glen Quagmire : Uh, uh, hey, there. I-I-I mean, it's n-nice to pleasure your acquaintance. I-I mean, uh, w-would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night?

  Joan the Maid : I'd love to.

  Joe Swanson : God, he works fast.

• Peter Griffin : Joan, it's great to have you here. No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time. Lois is afraid to go near there and my fingers are too thick.

  Joan the Maid : What is this?

  Peter Griffin : [she pulls out a carton of cigarettes]  A carton of Parliaments? I haven't smoked in ten years. Hey, keep digging.

  [she pulls out a video game system] 

  Peter Griffin : Ohh, ColecoVision. Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon.

• Peter Griffin : All right, boys. It's my maid's last night, so we gotta make the most of it. Now, I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers.

  [cut to the family room, where Meg sits on the couch] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy?

  Meg Griffin : Okay. Why?

  Peter Griffin : Uh, it's a present. It's a "thanks for being such a sweetie" watermelon. So you'll hang onto that?

  Meg Griffin : Yeah, sure.

  [he runs away giggling] 

  Meg Griffin : This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this?

  [she shrieks as it explodes] 

  Meg Griffin : I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, maid!

  Joan the Maid : [coming in and seeing the mess]  Oh, my God!

• Lois Griffin : Ow. Damn, that hurts.

  Brian Griffin : What happened?

  Lois Griffin : I was breastfeeding Stewie, and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin.

  Brian Griffin : I see. Um... maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it. Uh... I, uh, I-I have seen a lot of medical shows.

  Lois Griffin : [flashing him without a second thought]  You see, the areola is very tender here. And I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on a duct.

  Brian Griffin : [taking the view in]  I'm sorry, what?

  Lois Griffin : I don't know what to do, Brian. Breastfeeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.

  [cut to Alec breastfeeding his brothers] 

  Brian Griffin : Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what? I'll give it a try. Thanks, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : No problem. Uh, a-a-any other problems you have, too, like, for example, ar-around your underpants that you want me to take a look at, I can... I can take a look at-a-at that, too.

  Lois Griffin : Huh?

  Brian Griffin : Please pull down your underpants.

• Joan the Maid : Hi, I'm Joan. I'm, uh, your maid for the week.

  Peter Griffin : [loudly as if she doesn't understand]  Me Peter. You maid.

  Joan the Maid : Um, I do speak English.

  Peter Griffin : You maid clean for me, Peter. You clean Peter mess.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, stop it.

• Joan the Maid : Mr. Griffin, this is unbelievably humiliating.

  Peter Griffin : [riding her like a horse]  Hey, hey, Lois wants me to go to the store and the car's low on gas.

• Stewie Griffin : All right, whip 'em out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal.

  Lois Griffin : My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry.

  [opening her shirt, he begins to suck on her nipple] 

  Lois Griffin : Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore.

  Stewie Griffin : And by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend.

• Pat Sajak : All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations.

  Peter Griffin : Thanks, Regis.

  Pat Sajak : Okay, the category is "Actor and Show". So, we need five consonants and a vowel.

  Peter Griffin : Uh, okay. Um... Z. Four. Q. Another Q. Uh... a third Q. And the Batman symbol.

  Pat Sajak : Okay, no help there. Um, fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out.

  Peter Griffin : It is "Alex Karras in Webster"?

  Pat Sajak : [stunned he got it right with no hints]  I don't believe it.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

  Pat Sajak : Okay, you have $1,300. Why don't you go ahead and pick out some prizes from our showcase?

  Peter Griffin : Okay, let's see, um... Oh, boy, everything looks nice. Um... all right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600. And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice. Um, give me the one free week of maid service. And, uh, I'll take the hat rack. Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.

  Pat Sajak : That's you.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, embarrassing. Um, okay, well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.