Are you playing the role of persecutor, victim, or rescuer?

In the context of self-development, I love how simple models can help with self-reflection and give you an insight into how you could practice a different behaviour to give you a more positive result.

One such model I am experimenting with is the Karpman triangle, which was first described by Stephen Karpman in 1961. The Triangle explains how we sometimes take on unhelpful roles subconsciously. I was exposed to it in a recent IECL coaching course and now being reminded in a recent book (The Coaching Habit, Say less, ask more & change the way you lead forever. Michael Bungay Stanier). Although IECL added in a fourth element and has made it into a “dysfunctional square”!

Depending on the situation you may default to one of these roles or morph into one or more in your interactions with others. I am still becoming self-aware, although would say I have noticed in different circumstances I default to the rescuer and the persecutor! One thing to point out is not to label yourself, we are not these labels, we are playing roles usually when we get stressed or triggered. In displaying these roles/behaviours we are no longer showing up as the best version of ourselves.

As you read through these below roles, it may be interesting to note, which of these 3 roles do you think you play most often?

Which of these 3 roles do you play least often? Hint, this is the role that may trigger you if someone else is displaying it.

Lets look at the 3 roles in the Karpman Triangle.

Persecutor

You are playing this role when you tend to control, get things done by force, blame others, or if anger is your go-to emotion when things go wrong. In a work sense, you may see this in the micromanager. Sometimes the loudest person in the room may be the persecutor? It may also show up as the person who literally points their finger and therefore assigns blame to others.

Cost of being in this role

No one wants to work with you, people may fear you. You end up with a lot of work as you don’t trust others to do the work - you are always checking other people's work.

How can you shift out of it?

With all of these roles, the first thing is to notice you are in the triangle. Take a deep breath, check in with your body language, is there an opportunity to step back and soften your appearance.

If you are playing the persecutor role learn to take responsibility and accountability for your situation by taking things under your control and challenge others to do the same. Move from blame to assertiveness. Are your behaviour’s supporting the other person so they can achieve more? Get clear on what your intent is?

Questions to ask yourself?

What do I want? Have I been clear about what I want and what the consequences are? What does the other person want?

This will support the conversation by knowing what each of you wants.

Victim

Remember you are not a victim, but you may play the victim. You will find that you often looking for someone or something outside of yourself to blame. It is not my fault & life is so hard. This way you take no responsibility, so no one can blame you.

Cost of being in this role

No one wants to work with you, you feel stuck & powerless, you have no choices, people feel frustrated with you.

How can you shift out of it?

The first thing is to notice you are in the triangle. Take a deep breath, check in with your body language, are you slumped over and closed in?

Questions to ask yourself?

And what else? This will generate new options. If you can create choices, then you will have options and be able to take responsibility. If the person you are interacting with is playing the victim role, then asking, what else, will make sure you don’t step in to fix things.

 Rescuer

This is where you want to solve for others, “let me make it all okay”. The advantages to playing this role are you feel important, you are holding the team altogether, solving the day, people like you, I am giving it my all.

Cost of being in this role

On the flip side, it creates victim and prosecutor behaviour in others. You can end up with the burden of everyone else's work. As you are always checking in and taking care of others you are never taking care of your own needs.

How can you shift out of it?

The first thing is to notice you are in the triangle. Take a deep breath, check in with your body language, keep calm, slow down, take a step back, you do not have to rush into action. Be less reactive, and look to work out what is most useful at that moment.

Questions to ask yourself?

As soon as you see the individual as capable of their making choices and solving their problems you can ask any questions to them closer to that state. What do you think you can do to change this?

Michael Bungay Stanier is the book I mentioned above, gives the advice to ask, how can I help? What is it that you want from me? (This doesn’t mean you say yes, It gives you a clear choice to say, yes or no, or say yes to some of that.)

There you go a summary of the 3 roles. I have also found a useful 5 minute YouTube video that summarises it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_XSeUYa0-8&feature=youtu.be

Once again, which of these 3 roles do you think you play most often when interactions may be challenging? And can you choose to move out of the role once you have identified it?