A Firing
Thanks for coming in. I’ll cut to the chase—our company is in a tough spot. Unfortunately, your evaluations have not ... why are you pulling out an iPad? And now you’re loading a video. Is that a baby otter? Very cute. Yes, it’s small. The point is, we had to look for redundancies and ... what’s that? It’s arriving at an aquarium rehab facility—I can see that. The handlers are holding it like an infant and scratching its little otter head. Adorable. Let me just spit this out. We’re going to have to let you—she’s so wiggly! I’ve never wanted to hold anything so badly. Not even my son Daniel, when he was born.
It’s squeaking! I hadn’t thought about what sound a baby otter makes. I’m a full-grown man who has never considered the sound a baby otter makes. That’s who I am. Wait—turn up the volume. Oh my. It was an orphan otter rescued at sea. That is so sad. What happened to its otter parents? Can you imagine if no one had found it? A tiny otter, drifting out toward the horizon to become food for a large ocean predator. Sometimes that’s what I feel like, a tiny man paddling for my life in an ocean of insignificance.
Would you mind if I take a minute?
A Breakup
I just don’t know that we’re working anymore. Hello? I’m trying to have a really tough conversation, so can you stop looking at your computer? See, this is exactly what I’ve been saying. I feel like you don’t even ... oh. Look at those otters. Holy crap, are they holding hands? And they’re snoozing!? This is the best thing I’ve ever seen. But listen. It’s not even that anything has changed or that you’ve done anything wrong. We’re getting older and—real quick question: Do otters dream? What do they dream about? I wonder if they hold hands in their dreams.
The point is—you and me. We’re starting to drift apart oh my God right as I said that, those otters started drifting apart! Did you see that? They are so sleepy! And they are slowly and gently being pulled in different directions by forces larger than either of them, just like us. Oh no, the otter is swinging back around—the current is carrying that otter back to its sleeping friend!
ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY FLOATED BACK TOGETHER? He reached out his paw. And they held hands again!
A Pickup
Sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help noticing that you’re the only person staring at your phone in this crowded bar on a Saturday night. Ha. That was a joke. Get it? Because—technology. What are you watching? Oh, man. Baby otter. I’ve seen this one. It looks so cozy in that big towel. What I wouldn’t give to have someone swaddle me in a bath sheet and hold me close. I’m Derek. Derek Fisher. No relation to the coach of the Knicks. Ha ha.
Wow. You’re super-committed to watching this video. Did you just start it over? Oh, it’s a new one. Two otters holding hands. Let’s watch it together. Sure, in silence works. Not a problem.
Dare I whisper? Yes. Let me be your otter. Hey, where are you going?
A Coffee Order
I’d like a large skim latte. I order on this iPad? This isn’t Square; this is a video about otters. They’re teaching a newborn otter to swim. Look at her furry brown otter sausage body! She knows to go right onto her back and float—I guess those are her instincts kicking in. They call her Pup 681. I’d call her Penny. Penny the Otter. Ahhh! And now they’re loading her into a tub. Her flipper feetsies are so snuggly. I’m not crying; you’re crying!
