Party at Jess's House O.K. To Go To
A scientist in her sophomore year at Anderson High has discovered that, contrary to conventional wisdom, it’s O.K. for parents to let their children go to a party at Jess’s house—even if they possess a dim view of the fitness of Jess’s parents as chaperones, and “have heard what goes on over there.”
In the course of her research, the scientist found that such opinions actually stem from a fear that the child-rearing approach employed by Jess’s parents is superior—with distinguishing features such as deep trust (viz_.,_ the lack of an “open-bedroom-door policy” when teen-agers of the opposite sex visit the home), mutual respect (viz_.,_ what’s so bad about letting your child have wine with dinner every now and then when she’s practically old enough to vote?), and a general lack of the lameness found so often in other parents (viz., everything).
Adults Fail Simple Memory Tests
Cognitive scientists who slept over at Todd’s house last night announced findings that middle-aged adults cannot perform simple memory tasks, such as recalling the number of beers that were in the fridge the last time they checked.
Even after being apprised of the correct number of beers, the subjects appeared disinclined to believe it. This likely points to a serious brain disease, Todd noted, or maybe all those different pills that the doctor gives you for your “anxiety” and “migraines” are combining in a harmful way.
“Golden Ratio of Glamour” Discovered
A cross-cultural study by a high-school junior has confirmed what many already suspected: that prom dresses are very glamorous and wonderful—plus, they look amazing.
This preference for stunning prom dresses was present across all cultures, suggesting that the human visual cortex is primed to respond to the so-called Golden Ratio of Glamour, characterized by an interplay of sexy midriff cutouts, an almost inconceivable amount of bronzer, and the Fibonacci spirals present in prom updos.
While the junior noted that the current study was confined to dresses, she said there was reason to believe that the results could extend to prom suits for males, especially if they spring for a new suit and don’t just wear the one from their bar mitzvah.
The Existence of a New Type of Bond Among Humans
The deepest known bond between humans exists among members of high-school drama programs, a scientist who recently finished going through Hell Week has discovered.
“To see you all over the past week, working so hard ... to see how it all came together, well, suffice it to say, you are more than a family to me,” the scientist wrote in an emotional study in Nature. “You are everything. Seniors, I can’t imagine life without you. Yet a new journey awaits ...”
It is suspected that the formation of such bonds is facilitated by the students’ heightened ability to feel complex emotions; their skill at transmitting those emotions through expressive gestures; and by the fact that each of their souls has been touched by the perfect hair of the new, young drama teacher.
Optimal Passenger-Packing Methods in a Teen-Driven Car
Earlier this year, mathematicians at the University of Pittsburgh released a proof of Kepler’s famous conjecture on the most efficient method of packing spheres. Now, a mathematician from Mr. Steward’s third-period Algebra II class is joining the discussion, publishing a conjecture on the optimal method for packing passengers into a teen-driven car.
“The conjecture says that it’s fine to have a lot of them in there,” she explained. The conjecture goes on to state that, if you think about it, having a lot of passengers is probably way safer than having nobody else, because the more kids you have in the car, the more eyes are on the road, looking for potential dangers, etc. Also, mom, the stimulating conversation that friends provide enlivens the atmosphere and keeps the driver alert, O.K.?
The Benefits of Mailbox-Smashing
A multi-weekend-night study indicated that mailbox-smashing has a salutary effect on the communities in which it is practiced, that group of teen-age sociologists you always see skateboarding down by the gravel pit announced.
“Once those mailboxes got smashed, the people who owned them didn’t feel so big and important anymore,” the sociologists explained, adding, “Get out of here, old man. Go ask someone else questions about your precious mailbox. We’re skating.”
