How to Stop Accusing My Boyfriend

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Eric McClure

Last Updated: March 15, 2024 References

If you struggle with accusing your boyfriend of cheating when you don’t have any evidence, it can really put a strain on your relationship. Trust is essential, so it makes sense that you want help getting back on the right track with your boyfriend. That’s why we’re here to help you work through your feelings so that you can stop doing this. We'll also share some tips on how to talk to your boyfriend about your feelings and walk you through how to identify your triggers so you can deal with them in a healthy way.

1

Acknowledge what you’re feeling.

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It’s essential to respect your emotions and realize they’re valid. It’s okay to be a little anxious or scared in a relationship—that’s normal and you aren’t doing anything wrong by having these feelings. Internalizing that fact can make it easier to avoid overreacting or letting your emotions run wild.^{[1]
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- When you get the urge to accuse your boyfriend of cheating, pause and ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” Just sit with the question for a few minutes and try to identify what you’re feeling.
- Remember that the presence of an emotion doesn't require a reaction to that emotion.

2

Identify the root cause of your suspicion.

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Try to figure out what is triggering you to feel this way. Lashing out at a partner for cheating when there’s no evidence they’ve cheated is a fairly common thing. There may be a few different motivations for this, though. Try to identify the specific triggers here. Are you worried your boyfriend is lying to you? Is this a reaction you have when you get close to someone? These behaviors come from different places, so figure out why you feel this way.^{[2]
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- If you get upset and accuse him of cheating when he goes a day or two without seeing you, you might struggle with abandonment issues.
- You might worry about being cheated on because it's happened to you in a previous relationship.
- If your parents weren't around much when you were a kid, you might need a little extra attention from people you’re close to now.

3

Share your feelings with your boyfriend.

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It will be a lot easier for him to understand if you open up a bit. Be vulnerable and trust that your boyfriend will understand where you’re coming from. Sit down when both of you are calm and just talk to him. Try to help him understand why you’re feeling the way you feel.^{[3]
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- You might say, “Hey, I know I’ve kind of lashed out and assumed you’re cheating before. I know it’s unfair, but I have had bad experiences in the past with relationships, and I just need you to know I want to work on this.”
- Future accusations will be easier for your boyfriend to handle if he understands where you’re coming from.
- Reader Poll: We asked 238 wikiHow readers to tell us how they felt about checking their boyfriend’s phone, and only 5% felt they didn’t need to check his phone since they trust him. [Take Poll] So, while that may not be effective according to our readers if you have concerns, talk to your boyfriend about them instead.

4

Communicate with "I" statements.

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Instead of “accusing” him, try asking for the things you want. If you confront your boyfriend about going behind your back, he’s going to get defensive. Instead, focus on what you really want your boyfriend to do, and describe what you need using “I” language without blaming or attacking your boyfriend.
- Instead of saying, “You stay out all night. You don’t text me back. What else could you be doing but cheating?” you might say, “It's hard for me to stay calm when you don’t text back. It would really help if you were more responsive.”
- You might say, “I get a little twitchy when I picture you partying with a bunch of people. Can you call me for a brief check-in at some point?"

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Relationship Anxiety?

Do you ever feel worried or insecure about your relationship? Do you wonder if your partner actually doesn't care for you, even though they say do? Relationship anxiety has many underlying causes, including an anxious attachment style or a lack of self-esteem. This quiz can help you determine if you have relationship anxiety and address any anxious patterns.

1 of 12

Do you have trouble communicating your wants and needs to your partner?

No, I don’t. My partner and I are able to do that comfortably.

Rarely. Communication is important, but sometimes I feel like I’m asking too much.

Yes, there are times when I definitely hesitate. I just don’t like doing it.

All the time. I’m constantly worried about how my partner will react.

5

Give him the benefit of the doubt.

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Ignore the anxious thoughts and assume your boyfriend is being honest. If you know you have a tendency to accuse your boyfriend unfairly, just suspend your disbelief. Start taking him at his word, and do your best not to read way too much into things he tells you. The more chances he has to prove he’s trustworthy, the more you’ll believe him in the future.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source

Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

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- This can be tough if you’re dealing with an underlying issue or trying to heal from a past trauma. Just give it your best shot! It’s okay to slip up every now and then.

6

Challenge your negative thoughts.

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Ask yourself, “Do I have any actual evidence that he’s cheating on me?” As soon as that little pang of anxiety or fear starts cropping up, ask that question and sit with it. If you explore that question and you can’t find any evidence that he’s being unfaithful, fight back with positive affirmations and concrete facts.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source

Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

Go to source}
- You might think to yourself, “Okay, he hasn’t answered his phone, but he might just be busy. Last time he didn’t pick up it’s because he was driving. I haven’t seen him flirting with anyone. He told me he loves me.”
- Then, try positive affirmations like, “I am loved. My boyfriend is honest with me. There’s no reason to assume otherwise. All of this will be okay.”

7

Work on building trust.

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Learning to trust takes time, but it gets easier the more you do it. When your friend tells you that they’re happy to run into you at the store, believe them. When you leave the house and start obsessing about whether you actually locked the door or not, trust that you did. By practicing trust everywhere in your life, you’ll get into the habit of taking things at face value and accepting the world as it is.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source

Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

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- People who struggle with suspicion often have a hard time opening up to others. Expressing trust in other parts of your life may help you cool off when it comes to accusing your boyfriend of cheating.

8

Ask someone you trust for feedback.

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If you want insight, ask a close friend for their perspective. Your friends pick up on your energy and behavior in ways you may not even recognize. If you used to talk with your best friend about how you suspected your boyfriend of cheating, check in with them regularly to ask if they notice any changes in you. Hearing someone else’s perspective can give you the insight you need.^{[7]
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- Just ask, “Hey, I know I used to be really anxious about David cheating on me. Do I still seem suspicious to you? Am I being paranoid?”
- You might ask, “What do you think about David and I? Do we seem happy and healthy together?”

9

Fill your time by doing things you enjoy.

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Pursuing hobbies and staying active will reduce your stress and anxiety. If you’re always sitting around waiting for your boyfriend to call you back or come over, you’re going to be more likely to ruminate on what he’s doing in his spare time. Whether it’s making art, playing music, or going to the mall, make time for things you love to do and do them.^{[8]
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- See your friends regularly and go outside every single day! Being social and spending time outside can do wonders for your mental and emotional health.
- If you’re relaxed and engaged in things, you’ll be less likely to focus on whatever your boyfriend is doing.

10

Be patient.

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Change doesn't happen overnight.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} It takes time to shift the way you perceive the world, so don’t get down on yourself. So long as you’re striving to make improvements, you’ll get there! With every passing day that goes by where you trust your boyfriend, the next day will be even easier.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source

Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

Go to source}

11

Talk to a therapist if you’re still struggling.

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If you have a painful past or a mental health issue, see a professional. People who struggle with suspicion often have experienced something in their past that makes intimacy difficult. If this is you, a therapist can dramatically improve the quality of your life. Look for a mental health professional so they can help you work through your thoughts and feelings.^{[11]
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- Anxiety disorders can cause you to lash out at your boyfriend.
- Underlying mental health conditions, like OCD, can cause ruminating thoughts.
- Attachment issues (i.e. you have trouble being close to people) can prevent you from trusting others.

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Tips

While we’ve focused exclusively on unfounded accusations here, it’s definitely worth looking into whether your boyfriend is cheating or not if you have genuine suspicions.

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